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It's going to make me vomit... - Printable Version

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It's going to make me vomit... - Amo_Angelus - 07-26-2012 09:40 PM

When I was little I was your average fearless, happy little girl...with one difference. I was hyper, sometimes violently so. I didn't know how to express myself and my attention and thresh holds were all drastically shorter than anyone elses and when I reached my limits I lashed out. My parents took me to see some "specialists" and they diagnosed me as being allergic to e-numbers. What perfect BS! They put me on a strict diet that severely limited my food to unprocessed only. I was maybe 6, my little sister was not on this diet. My little sister still had candy, fruit juice, carbonated drinks and all the regular stuff a five year old consumes. I did not. My family would give her these things in front of me, she would eat them in front of me, and all the time I was given water and fruit and told it was just as good. Then why didn't my sister have it?

Now my sister did try and sometimes she'd hide her treats and share them with me in secret, but I was never allowed them. Even when I went to school. All the other kids had what kids had, and i was singled out. Of course it didn't take long for the other kids to pick up on this and single me out in violent ways. I was never popular, but this diet was the main reason that I became prime target for the most horrific bullying you can imagine.

Then I decided I'd had enough and started making myself sick. If I was denied nice food because it was bad for me, I was damn well going to make this bullying, denying food worse for me. So I made myself sick, and I cried and I screamed and I bit and I kicked and then...I didn't have to make myself sick, I was sick. Everytime I ate fruit or veg I was sick and then I was playing at being scared of it, I was scared! I was terrified in fact. Fruit and veg makes me sick, being sick is a horrible thing! And by ten they released me from this diet, but the damage was done. I was still being sick everytime I was given fruit or veg. So they stopped giving it to me, and I was afraid to try new things. The phobia had begun and it was only going to get worse. By the time I left high school it had extended beyond fruit and veg, I couldn't eat pizza, the tomato base made me ill, I couldn't eat anything that had come into contact with onion, the taste contaminated my food and made me sick (I still segregate my food, no two things are allowed to touch on my plate for fear of contamination), Spaghetti shapes? Tomato sauce. Things I used to love became things that made me sick.

Now imagine the toll it's taken on my life? You need to eat that stuff for your health. I'm heavily anemic, I'm lethargic most of the time, and when I get a small virus my body struggles with it more than it ever did. And as for my life? I hate eating out. I'm so embarressed! At resturants I'm the only person that goes in and orders a meal with a list of what they cannot include. It's got to the stage where there are five resturants I go to, and there's one or two dishes I can order and even then I still have to say don't include... on half of them. But the most embarressing is when I go to someones house and they invite me to stay for a meal... Most people I know have stopped inviting me. Even for parties. I always decline because there's food involved. It's so embarressing to be invited to eat at someones house and...not being able to. My best friend and her family have lived with this eccentricity of mine for a long time now and are used to and prepared for the seven minute conversation of "Do you like?" and bless them, they're even willing to cook me a seperate dish to everyone else. But... everytime I answer with no I hold back tears of frustration and embarressment. I'm pretty good at holding tears back now. I learned I had to do it or the bullies got worse, but everytime I do, I die a little inside. Last time I went to that house there were four seperate meals made for dinner. A main one, a vegetarian, an allergy and a Cibophobia menue. How the cook managed it on crutches is a mystery to me and I felt so guilty and angry at myself.

Turns out I was never even allergic to e-numbers in the first place. I eat them now more than I ever did as a child. No problems at all. My hyperactivity was misdiagnosed ADD, which I've had to learn to control without medication and without actually knowing what the hell was wrong with me.

Now the scales are falling from my eyes and I understand why I'm afraid of food, I understand that it's all in my head and I desperately want to eat it! But more than 15 years of the same thing happening? How do you combat that? I still look at fruit and veg in blind terror! I shake, I cry, I vomit. I know it's all in my head. I shake, I cry, I vomit. I know I have to try...I shake, I cry, I vomit. I'm scared to try anymore. I know I have to. I need to eat this stuff! For my health and for my future childs. I'm not pregnant yet, but it's very much in the pipeline, and I need to be able to provide for him/her. I need to be able to look after us both, and I am so scared! And nobody understands. I'm just "Having a strop" or "Being picky" I'm not 10 anymore, I've grown out of it all, I've even learned to control ADD, so why my family can't believe that I've grown out of stops and being picky is beyond me. My fiancé and my best friend understand...a little, but they can''t help me. They don't know how, except by being patient with me while I'm trying to pick something. But it's not helping. I've got a free pass to not eat the things I need to. But when they try and coax me, when I get the courage to try and do it, I shake, I cry, I vomit. And I don't have the courage or strength to keep going after each set back. It takes weeks, if not months for me to work up the courage to try again, with the same result. I'm stuck in a viscious cycle. I want to get out but I can't. I need to escape! I need help but I don't know where to turn. I have no faith in doctors, they've let me down too many times, and if I go to them for help when I'm so vulnerable, and they let me down again, I couldn't bear it.

And I don't know why I'm telling this to strangers. But I need help. I need support. I'm used to ridicule and disbelief. So I guess...Maybe I expect ridicule and disbelief, but I'm so desprerate that I'm willing to put myself out there, to subject myself to it in the vain hope that someone, somewhere understands and reaches out to me as I've done now and tells me they understand. offers me a hand to hold? Something, anything to help me, even if that's just an ear and a shoulder and understanding. Please?

RE: It's going to make me vomit... - Globetrotter - 07-27-2012 01:35 AM

Hi Amo_Angelus, and welcome to oFear! Wave Blob5

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through.

Sometimes our parents think that they're doing the best thing possible for their children, when in fact, they're doing quite the opposite...

Off the top of my head, have you ever considered hypnotherapy or neuro linguistic programming (NLP), as a possible form of treatment? (If you're able to see other medical professionals other than doctors).

RE: It's going to make me vomit... - Amo_Angelus - 07-27-2012 02:03 AM

I don't really believe in hypnotherapy, it seems like a party trick, kinda like magic and I've never heard of NLP, although to get either I'd probably have to go through my GP first and I don't think I'm quite ready to take that step yet.

RE: It's going to make me vomit... - Globetrotter - 07-27-2012 08:55 AM

Hi Amo_Angelus

You don't always have to go through a GP - years ago I remember accessing hypnotherapy through the National Phobics Society (now Anxiety UK). There are also other types of therapy you can access with them (including NLP).

The trouble is, is that you do have to pay towards the cost.

All this might be irrelevant though - do you live in the UK? If you don't, I'm sure that there are probably other charities who other similar services.

RE: It's going to make me vomit... - yaro111 - 05-17-2013 11:24 PM

I read out you story and i think teen ages are these types like be quick in hyper mod these mod do not depend upon the food or any thing its depend upon the parents behave to you in polite mode..Now what is the update?

Counting Scale

RE: It's going to make me vomit... - Mr Ian - 05-18-2013 02:21 AM

Hi Amo_Angelus

It's been a while since you posted this thread so I'm not sure you'll be back to read this but I'll put it out there cos - quite frankly - your post touched me and urged me to say something - and even if you don't read this, then perhaps someone in similar plight might gain something from my warblings Smile

I'm guessing you're Stateside (we have 'sweets' in the UK, not candy Wink ) and you're over (or around 18 years old now) - so you're leaping into your adulthood and I'd guess you want to overcome this issue so it doesn't control your life in quite the way it has controlled your childhood.

Good news is - things CAN change.
Bad news is - you're gonna have to put some effort in!
(but I'm sure you knew that part was coming Wink )

Although it sounds obvious in some ways as to how this developed into what it is today (or was a year ago at least), it often helps to recognise the process of things - like walking into a forest; if you know the pathway in - it can help you find the pathway out.

Clearly the E-numbers 'diagnosis' was a pivotal point and set everything up for the rest of your childhood. It's especially saddening for me to see how 'professional help' sometimes leads to more harm than good, and in this case, I'd say there is little doubt the consequences of that diagnosis was the catalyst for much of what followed.

I guess sometimes it's tricky for parents who, in good faith, believed in the professional help given and wanted to give you the best chance to develop, but I understand what you say about growing up with your sister eating a regular diet in front of you and you being restricted. I too would question - if my diet is fine for me, why aren't we both on it?
It sounds like they tried - but didn't realise the harm they were doing in the process. If your behaviour was disruptive as a child then I can understand that if they believed the E-numbers thing was going to help stop that, then - as parents - they would have done everything to alleviate that problem. In fairness, kids don't come with a manual (as you will find out for yourself!) and when there are added troubles, it's very difficult for parents to see the 'bigger picture'. I do think it's unfortunate your parents choices and actions contributed to things being how they are for you now - but I'd give them a lot more slack than I would a professional.

The bullying that you went through sounds awful. It also sounds like you've put those people in your past and, although the memories will last with you, you're not so focussed on those experiences as you are on the overall eating problem. Correct me if I'm wrong here, of course - but to me you sound like someone who picks themself up and carries on Smile

In the final part, you describe clearly how things progressed from 'forcing' the vomiting and dislike, into your body deciding for itself how it was going to react. This seems to be your biggest issue that you want rid of - as it effects your day to day function and relationships - and that would make perfect sense.

Whenever it comes to making changes in our life, the first thing needed is to understand 'why change?'
You've clearly said, you don't want to be like this anymore - but remind yourself why.
You want to stop being embarrassed
You want to stop being so picky
You want to stop this fear from controlling your life.

3 good reasons to 'want' to change, no doubt.
So, someone - even you - might ask, why haven't you?
Wanting something for ourselves or others is ok to motivate us - but NEEDING something - that's a whole different level.
Find why you NEED to change things - and keep that positive image.

Here's the psycho-waffle bit!
Essentially, after everyone telling you how to live your life from an early age (at least in regards foodstuffs - which, along with the strict regime and bullying, became the dominating part of your life) you made a decision to take control. Even if it was still to your detriment - at least YOU were in control of that. Not some diagnosis, not a parent, not a bully - just you.
It's important to recognise how you insited on having control - even tho it was detrimental, it was no more detrimental to you than having others control your lifestyle - but it was your decision and your actions that controlled things with food, and so now - it didn't own you; you owned it.

That was in fact not just a clever thing to do - but an extremely brave one for a person your age then and living under your conditions. The only down side on this is - what you chose to do to own it, ended up owning you again! But there's a difference now. This time the 'control' is inside you - not outside as it was with other people. This time, you don't need to change the world outside of you to regain control - you only need to control what's within you.
Your biggest problem with that tho - is you're a stubborn headstrong person!! I mean that in the nicest way - but look at how you took control of it before - by being stubborn, headstrong and determined. Like I said before - you get up and carry on. The difficulty in being so headstrong is that you were determined to control this issue before and dug your heels in and stuck to your plan. Now you need to give yourself permission and strength to undo those plans and be stubborn and headstrong in healing yourself.

So, what next?
How do you resolve it?

I can give you a list of things to try - things to do - goals to set - and I've no objection to doing so.
But I'm not sure I really need to.
I think you can beat this.
I think you can beat this by setting your own plans and goals.
I know you can.
The biggest thing I feel you need is the confidence to believe you CAN - rather than the knowledge of 'how'.
You've survived far more than the average kid does in a childhood already. For all the harm it's done - it's also given you the reslilience, the determination and *ahem* the balls to face up to challenges.

'How' you face up to them should be up to you. Own it.
But, if you want some guidance tips, no problem Smile

Why change?
Cos you said so.
Cos you want to.
Cos you NEED to.

Like I said, I don't know if you will even read this - but I hope you do - and that it brings you some comfort, reassurance and, above all else, courage.

I'll leave the last word to you - some the phrases that stuck out in positive ways that I think you should reember are the deep-down you.

Again, get in touch if you want/need to check in on the 'how'.


(07-26-2012 09:40 PM)Amo_Angelus Wrote:  When I was little I was your average fearless, happy little girl...

Then I decided I'd had enough

Now imagine the toll it's taken on my life?

I hold back tears of frustration and embarressment

My hyperactivity was misdiagnosed ADD, which I've had to learn to control without medication and without actually knowing what the hell was wrong with me.

I'm scared to try anymore.
I know I have to.
I need to eat this stuff!
For my health and for my future childs.