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HOCD or extreme denial? - Printable Version

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HOCD or extreme denial? - Warfield - 07-03-2017 10:34 PM

I have a lot of problems- obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, emotional suffering. I have been rejected by women, told ugly, always they preferred other men than me( like my friends and cousin whom I'm 3 years older and I'm 20) and I have taken all these stuff very hard almost like personal(I'm very sensitive person). In the past 3 years I have also gotten a physical trauma that is making me feel and identify less masculine because it affects my muscles of shoulders and arms and their sensitivity. For that my problems with women has only worsened, they have begun to like me even less and on the other hand I also have begun to feel hatred for them and disappointment, became even more shy, thinking that noone will like me, because I noticed that they all seem to prefer looks and money than anything else. I have lived some time like this but lately when I tried to watch my regular porn I have noticed that I didn't get so attracted by the women anymore, felt an overwhelming anxiety and it was difficult for me, thought about if the men attracted me begun to arise which causes me even more anxiety. I now have fear of being or becoming homosexual, my parents will be hurt if they find out about this and i feel great sadness and empathy for them and me.I have always been heterosexual. However now i have a lot of problems with sexually fantasizing about women, I have fantasized about being in a romantic relationship with a woman who I find attractive, but this homosexual thoughts keep interfering with me in certain time i almost think that I may like men which gives me an overwhelming anxiety and psychologically wont survive this. My mother has always been very dominant with me and I have been very emotionally attached to her from little. Is this hocd or my sexuality is turning because of the physical trauma I have which is lowering my masculinity and self-esteem + the emotional hurt from women? In the past when everything was ok I was very attracted to women I recall a lot of memories like my first crush and etc.