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Not sure if I am hocd - Printable Version

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Not sure if I am hocd - blade118 - 11-28-2018 08:23 AM

Hi everyone, not entirely sure if certain members will remember me as my last post was in 2009 and at that time was not in the greatest place. I have battled with serious torment for a number of years and went through heavy cbt therapy sessions about 6 years ago which helped me out massively to control and realise these were just thoughts. I have been with my girlfriend for approximately 8 years and eventually told her my issues as she caught me doing compulsions, kissing walls, bend over to see if I would like it etc. It saddens me to be back here as I thought I had was in a really good place but I have tKen a turn for the worse and has made me question everything again. The issue u have at the moment is I am beginning to like the thoughts of been with men, the thought of anal doesn't repulse me, the thought of kissing a man doesn't repulse me. Even the thoughts are very much plaguing me every minute of the day. One question that seems to be running through my mind is me thinking how men on the receiving of anal seem to enjoy it and feel like I really want that. Like I said its been 2009 since my last post /visit so I apologise if I have said anything out of turn or caused anyone to take offence. Just someone who needs a bit of help
Is this site still in use?


RE: Not sure if I am hocd - Snooks - 11-28-2018 12:38 PM

Hi Blade Smile

Sorry to hear that you feel your issues are growing and causing concern.

The site has remained on but it is not very active. I keep it operational so as to give people access to the volumes of information that are available.

I'm afraid that I have no advice regarding your issue and can only suggest that perhaps you can speak with your GP and ask for a referral or counseling support. Your GP may well have some better suggestion.

Just remember that there is no right or wrong, do not be too hard on yourself and seek assistance rather than punish yourself by worrying too much.

Hopefully you can get through this Smile


RE: Not sure if I am hocd - blade118 - 01-12-2019 11:21 PM

Hi Snooks,

Thank you for the prompt response much appreciated.

Has the website moved to a different location as i thought Monica ran the website?

The problem is i am very hard on myself as i need the answer. I was living a very happy life with my girlfriend of 8 years which she knows all about my issues/problems as she attended dome therpay sessions with me years back.

I have sex with her on a regualr basis and seem to enjoy it, or i hope i do as this is also a question/testing thing i do now by asking myself if if i enjoy sexual intercourse with my girlfriend.

I am well established in my carerr but this is causing me alot of issues at present as i was able to control my thoughts and compulsions and actually wake up never thinking about it.

I will openly admit i do look at pornography quite a lot which i know is not good for anyone but one of my main issues is when i think about kissing men, doing stuff with men, watching them receive anal sex it all seems very exciting, i don't think i will ever rest until i find the answer but one of my main problems is can people be falsely diagnosed with H/SOCD if they seem to enjoy the thoughts.

I am have issues in my head saying i am a denying my feelings but people are quickto say i am S/HOCD. Could people be falsely told we have this issue but actally be gay/bi, because this could actually impact more in depth mental issues.

I can't be supressing or denying my thoughts as they haunt me again 24/7 from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep, testing, trying to get a response an answer, trying to get an arousal indication.

I need to know how i would know if i was gay/bi. i am at a point now where i am feel the only way i going to get the answer is by going out and experimenting this.

You mentioned on your previous email there is no right or wrong answer, not entirely sure what you mean by that statement so could you please elaborate.

Does anyone know where Monica Williams is these day or have an email?

Out of curiosity, do you have issues on this matter also, what is your status?

Kind regards


RE: Not sure if I am hocd - Snooks - 01-16-2019 02:56 PM

I'm afraid that I do not know Monica and I have been here for almost 10 years now.

What I meant by there being no right or wrong, is that there is no right in being Hetro and no wrong on being Gay. What you are is what you are so do not feel the guilt feelings that some people are affected by.

With regards to your other question. I am Hetro, married with children.


RE: Not sure if I am hocd - blade118 - 02-04-2019 06:55 AM

Hi, that’s what I am trying to find out is what I am. I have been to counselling before to what I was told was OCD. I went through sessions for years which was very tough but now I am beginning to believe that it isn’t. I have been like this for the best part of 15 years. I know what you are saying but your statement saying you are what you are but I need to find out who I am and need that answer and reading between the lines you are indicating that I could be. This website was very active do you know where all the members have gone to . Monica Williams was I qualified therapist and like the administrator of the hocd site which I think was called something like brain something or other. Is there any members on here that could respond also please