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Long distance relationship depression - walk_with_me - 01-03-2009 10:49 AM

I'm not even sure what to say.

I met someone online in a chat room a few months ago. I thought with me being as shy as I am it just might work out. I guess I was wrong.

He lives very far away. He wanted to meet me right after we met and I explained how very shy I am and told him we needed to wait to see how things progress.

I finally worked up the nerve and met up with him and things went ok. He said he didn't see me as being as shy as I said I was and said he thought it was all just low self esteem. I didn't want to get into the whole bit with him so I just agreed and tried to enjoy our time together.

We have steadily began to talk more and more and the way he's talking about things makes me think he's getting alot more serious than I'm ready for.

I don't know how to get him to back off a little without hurting his feelings. I really do care for him and don't want the relationship to end but it's scaring me to death with how fast things are moving.

I know this sounds ridiculous seeing as we have only met once and known each other for a few months but if you could hear him talk you would know how serious he is getting.

My big problem now is that most of the time when we talk, we are fighting. And it's not even about big stuff. I mean, if we are fighting over the little things now how are we going to handle any big issues if the relationship does continue into something more?

It's making me more and more depressed with each passing day. I thought I had my panic and anxiety under control but even those things are starting to creep back up on me now. I don't want the dr to up my medicines any more than he already has but on my last visit he said he was going to have to if things started spiraling out of control again.

I don't know what to do.

The holidays really got me down too. I had to spend them with family I don't really get along with so that was nothing but a big joke with me trying to smile and act like nothing was wrong.

All this stress has made me start stress eating again and of course I've gained back the little weight I had lost. After I met my online friend I had decided I had somebody to try and look good for and started watching what I was eating. Now I just don't care. And to be honest that makes me mad too. I had posted before that I hate it when we're expected to look like others want us to or think we should and it's not that my friend said he didn't like the way I lookd but after we met I thought I should make an effort to look better.

I just figured that with so many people from so many different places on here that maybe somebody had been through something similar and could give me any advice.


Re: Long distance relationship depression - lizzypoo92 - 01-03-2009 10:54 AM

well the thing with big things like that of a relationship is it tends to frighten us and well bring back a lot of old tendinitises you might wont to try and really discuss these things with him let him know your fears and thoughts on the subject but your right bout the whole if your fighting bout the little stuff how can you handle the big stuff thats why you have to talk to him and discuss the little stuff that might be blowing to big do to your fear..

I am only 16 so if this stuff sounds stupid then your probably right but i do wish you luck


Re: Long distance relationship depression - Mr Ian - 01-03-2009 01:14 PM

Hi WwM,

I'm most impressed that you've actually already identified where your problems lie. The issues you have are perhaps because of the difficult decisions you have to make that you would simply rather not have to. But the reality is - you've noticed the problems and not dealing with only gives you more problems. It is indeed a downward spiral if not handled well.

I'd comment that I'd hope you don't increase your meds simply to cope with not making the necessary decisions.

I'm in the flow of 'staight talking' at the moment - so if I can air my thoughts straight - then leave you to decide what's of use and simply discard the rest.

I think it's nice that this guy doesn't see you as coming across as shy - but I'd question his reasons. The two of you are coming into a relationship with different agendas and personalities. His is apparently quite over-bearing and a little pushy. Yours is shy and reserved. Obviously this isn't a compatible thing because one personality directly frustrates the other.

As for feeling that you care about him - being anice human person, you will care about everyone you meet - if it's more than just that tho, I'd say it's not because of who he is - but who you hoped he would be and you are still holding out that this 'blip' is not the real him and somewhere lurking underneath is a completely different person.
You'd know that it was highly likely that it wasn't - but we don't like to give up on hope so easy.

I'd guess that your difficulty in just ending the relationship is possibly -
- he doesn't want to end it, in fact he wants to progress it - so you'd feel mean for being the one to call it quits.
- he's giving you some attention (even if it's arguing most the time - there is 'connection' to another person) and you've made it this far - to stop it would mean back to square one.
- being shy, you probably doubt your own judgment

I'd answer:
- just cos he wants it and you want to take it away doesn't mean he's right and you're wrong. Sometimes doing the 'bad' thing is the good thing.
- his attention is good for your self esteem and image when it's positive (eg flattering, supportive, caring). But if he's taking it away in other ways, like wanting to push the relationship, it's overall balance is not good. I think you've alrady noticed this which is why you're posting here - to confirm that belief.
- I'd agree with your judgment; and just because you might think your own personal abilities are below par (ie feeling that shy is a negative personality trait) doesn't mean you have to compromise. (For the record - I think 'shy' is just a personality trait - there are no good or bad traits - just ways we implement them in how we behave. your being shy didn't stop you giving it a go so no flaws there.)

To try and 'change' the relationship is going to be a compromise on both sides. But he doesn't seem able to accept a compromise on the first level - and that would require you to over-compromise to your loss.

I think, judging from his urgency, that he has a dependency issue and wants to progress things to satisfy that need. He's probably not even conscious of it. But I'd guess - he's recently out of a relationship and/or has many short lived ones; he has few friends he associates with (because friends require you to give as much as you take to a relationship - dependent people prefer to just have 'it' given); when you tell him your issues - instead of responding by understanding, he responds by saying how your issues are easy to deal with (ie "you're not shy, you have low self esteem" and it's not a problem) to dismiss/minimise any issues that may stand in the way of him achieving his aims.

I'm not calling him out as a bad guy - just saying that's how it is and the two of you seem incompatible without serious compromise.

In a nutshell - let him go and cut your losses. It's a no-fault/no-blame ending that way.

Hope this helps.


Re: Long distance relationship depression - walk_with_me - 01-04-2009 02:16 AM

Thanks for the reply.

I don't know if I agree with you in that I have identified the problem though. I think if I had identified it then I might be able to figure out what to do about the whole situation.

I don't want to end the relationship. But I don't know if this is because I really have feelings for him or if I'm just scared of being alone again. That probably sounds weird seeing as we're not even together physically.


Re: Long distance relationship depression - Ana - 01-04-2009 05:17 AM

Hi walk_with_me. Wave I hope you don't mind me adding in my two cents. Not sure how helpful it'll be, but I'll go ahead anyways.

walk_with_me Wrote:I don't know if I agree with you in that I have identified the problem though. I think if I had identified it then I might be able to figure out what to do about the whole situation.

Maybe the problem's just a lack of communication? You say that he seems serious about a relationship with you, but you want him to back off a bit and take things a bit slower. So, you need to say something to him. If you don't feel comfortable saying something, then there's another problem and, from what I can understand from what I read, that'd probably be a problem with you not wanting to hurt his feelings.

Being honest with him may hurt a bit, but it could end up hurting a whole lot more in the long run. Tell him everything you've said here. Explain to him that you're not ready for what he seems to be ready for. If he can't respect that, then maybe you're better off.

walk_with_me Wrote:I don't want to end the relationship. But I don't know if this is because I really have feelings for him or if I'm just scared of being alone again. That probably sounds weird seeing as we're not even together physically.

That doesn't sound weird at all. Blob5

Why don't you want to end the relationship? Just because you don't want to feel alone? Or because you value the relationship (enjoy talking to him/having him as a 'friend')?

If you really value the relationship, then I think it's best you talk things through with him. Lay it all out in the open, so he understands where your coming from, and what you want at this point in time. Then, move from there.

If you just don't want to be alone, but the relationship is causing you more harm than good, then I'd say it's better to try and back off a bit because a relationship like that wouldn't be worth it.


Just, take care of yourself. I know it's hard to hurt other people by saying 'no' sometimes, but as I said before, it could end up hurting alot more in the long run. Hope everything works out for the best.


Re: Long distance relationship depression - miss-interlectual - 03-26-2009 10:21 PM

Hi,
I split up with my ex last year and got involved with another guy really quickly because i'd been with my ex for 2.5 years. It ended really badly because i didnt realise that i had no feelings for him and was scared of being lonely.
now i am with another guy, who lives the other end of the country (about 300 miles from me) but i decided to be open with him, if he couldnt hack my problems then i was better off not with him. we are now really close, so it is worth opening up, it also gave me the chance to start sorting out the issues that had haunted me for ages.

The best advice i can give is to talk, it helps, no matter the results, if he can't handle the issues then he isn't worth it, and if he can there is someone there to help you.

Try it, the world may start looking better

Good Luck