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Sarahhdon · (This post was last modified: 08-24-2015 02:29 PM by Sarahhdon.)

Hello everyone.. I'm completely new to this.. I don't know really how this works or if this is even a good idea... But here it goes. Im also going to try to be very careful to not use triggering words, as I know this can be for many.

My name is Sarah and I have Emetophobia. It all started when I was 5 years old, my parents were recently divorced and the stomach flu went around my house.. I didn't catch it, but my younger brother (just around 12 months old at the time) did and it was a nightmare. He was so young that his body couldn't handle it. He ended up severely dehydrated from being unable to keep anything down, and was hospitalized because his condition was life threatening. Being only 5, the only connection I made was
" Getting sick = death"

following that, for YEARS ive struggled with a crippling fear. After my parents divorce, I started going to counseling and there I was diagnosed with OCD, Depression, and Generalized anxiety disorder. I didn't really understand what was going on, or why I was panicking at the time. The fear and anxiety caused me to lose my appetite out of fear of getting sick, and thats where I developed an eating disorder. I also became very depressed, I thought that death would be better than living in utter terror all the time. I attempted suicide in 6th grade at age 11, and was admitted into a hospital for an eating disorder and depression, but never really was treated for my phobia. I struggled again after, i was put on just about every anxiety and depression medication on the market, but things just continued to get worse. I couldn't stay in school because of the fear, and I was bullied for not being "normal", and my grades slipped dramatically.

I was hospitalized one more time in highschool for the same reason, and on home hospital for many years. By the grace of God, I graduated high school, but I havent pursued school outside of that because of my fear of failure. (My track record has not been good) I have had to quit jobs, been fired, lost friends, failed classes, ALL KINDS OF THINGS because of this fear.

I guess this is what I'm trying to get at. Right now, I don't have a job. I used to nanny but I had to quit. I have hopped from job to job trying to work around my anxiety and nothing seems to be working.
I am engaged, Ill be married in two months. I've looked into forms of birth control. Although here comes the hard part.. I have a hereditary blood clotting disorder.. so many of the typical BC options are not an option for me. I just recently got an IUD placed and it has been the WORST PAIN i have EVER experienced. Some women compare the pain to labor pains. I wouldn't know what those feel like, but sounds about right to me. I made the mistake of reading reviews on this IUD and ive seen so many scary things about it. im TERRIFIED that this wont work for me, because i have so few options. Im NOT ready to have kids, and I'm not even sure if ill ever have kids because morning sickness and emetophobia DONT MIX. Im afraid that if i do get pregnant, ill be so afraid of getting sick that i wont eat and in turn.. lose the baby.

I basically wrote this because this is such an anxiety filled time in my life, I really crave support from others who understand this fear. Im tired of advice from people who dont understand.
I know its irrational, I know i need to "get over it" but if i could on my own, I would have a LONG freakin time ago. Does anyone have any advice? Words of encouragement? I could use it. Im going to be seeing a counselor to REALLY try to overcome this fear. I'm tired of living life in fear. I dont know what its like to live a life free to go and do whatever I truly wanted, to pursue my dreams, to have kids, to travel, WHATEVER.. and I want to experience that life. I think its about time.