My daughter is a senior in high school and on the girls' varsity basketball team. This past weekend at a "team bonding" event the girls were told they would climb this 35' pole (harness attached to them) to the top and then take the "leap of faith" off the top of the pole (no landing - just pole). Attached to her harness is some kind of rope system that goes thru suspended pulleys to either side and with team mates holding the ropes on the ground (supervised by experienced people close by). Upon learning she would have to climb this pole, and having an immense fear of heights, she pulled her coach aside and said she wouldn't be able to do this because of her fear of heights. She was told she would do it anyway. Immediate anxiety followed. Her classmates/teammates had no idea of her fear of heights and this added to her stress because she new she was going to fail the task in front of them. Of course she chose to go last, putting as much time as she could between her and that pole. Finally it was her turn. I'm so proud of her but so devastated for her. She made it half way up that pole before her fear became impossible, in which she started to cry and begged to come down. Her coach proceeded to belittle her infront of the team by saying if she quit now, she would quit on her team, quit on basketball, and everything in life. Thru her tears and her fear she kept going, at a snails pace of course and frightened beyond. The coach continued to make derogatory comments to her. My beautiful girl made it to the top of that pole somehow one half hour later, but then was absolutely frozen. Jumping was not even an option, the pole slightly swaying too and fro from the weight of her. It was at this point that the coach told her that if she didn't jump she would be a disappointment to her mother. My daughter yelled back at her thru her tears - no she won't! And the coach said yes she will and you know it. Its been 45 minutes now since she first started climbing. She starts to become even more terrified and thank God two camp counselors intervened, made the coach shut up, got her to take deep breaths and relax as much as she could and talked her down. The coach said nothing to her, just walked away leaving her there crying. I'm not asking for input on what to do about the situation, thats a given. I will not be letting this issue go unattended to. BUT, me not having the fear of heights cannot fully grasp the damage done. My mother instinct can only imagine its horrible what she endured. She comes from a very loving family and has many good friends that have rallied around her to get her spirits back up and shower her with love and security, but I can see its shadow still lingering. I know she was absolutely terrified. I am asking that any of you with this same fear please tell me as best you can, please, whether from experience, or just knowledge of self what I might be dealing with here. I know time will tell me more, but any advice on what I should look for or expect would help. She has never had to be in such an intense situation. She can accomplish ladders very slowly with a trusted love one behind her and talking to her up to about 8-10 feet. That has been her limit. I realize every individuals reaction would be different, but anything you could suggest would be most helpful to a very grateful mom. Thank you, Lynn

I'm really sorry to hear that that happend to your daughter! I don't even know what to say. That's horrible.

I think that what you are currently doing is all you can do in this situation. Support your daughter and let her know that none of this situation was her fault and that the coach was in the wrong.

In my honest opinion, it sounds like you know what to do and are doing what you think is best.

Good luck with everything!

It's good that the camp councellors took charge - it will also help you as they can vouch for it all. I will be surprised if the coach gets off with this.

At this point, the Athletic Director and Principal have decided to just give her a Level One punishment which is a slap on the wrist and a written reprimand in her file. This isn't satisfactory to me. So I'm not done yet on that end of it.

Hi Lynn

Sorry to hear what happened to your daughter, I do not suffer from acrophobic but I will offer you some advice; look for any change in your daughter's mood and behaviour as she could have a delayed reaction. Things to watch out for include: aggressive out bursts, tearfulness, anxiety, low mood, panic attacks nightmares intrusive thoughts or memories anything that would indicate abnormal levels of stress. Ask her if she would like to talk it over with a therapist or clinical psychologist but do not try to force her. Also involve her in any action you take against the coach or school. As adults it is easy for us to see that people like that should not be allow to work with young or vulnerable people and so we take action. However, it is equally important to make sure your daughter feels empowered and one of the ways you can do this is by keeping her in the loop. ssmile

Thank you so much for your advice. The only thing I notice so far is she seems to be sticking closer to me. Wanting to watch movies together, go to the store with me. She is also more kissy huggy than usual. Today should be a good day for her as some girls that graduated already are home from college for Thanksgiving Break and they have invited her out today at lunchtime to go shoot hoops at the other school down the road rather than her high school. One of the girls is her absolute idol, has been since she was a freshman, and I know she will talk to her about what happened - she is a big sister of sorts to her and her best friends older sister. Her best best friend is a guy, so his first natural reaction was to get mad, like me, so I think the sister will be a big help. She still isn't through this because the other day she was the last one out of the gym as usual and her bag was in the coach's classroom (she is a temp sub at the school also right now). She was afraid to go in the room and get her bag for fear of a one on one with this lady. She has made sure since the incident she is always in a group setting around the coach. Her teammate who was walking out of the school asked her what was up and she told her she didn't want to go get the bag so the other girl gladly went and got it. She admitted this to me later that she was afraid to face a one on one with the coach. She has most definitely been kept in the loop of whats going on with the action of the school. She was quite upset to learn that so far they just want to stick a written reprimand in her file. She said she didn't want to be a trouble maker but it's not good enough. I totally agree with her 100%. After the holiday weekend I will resume where I left of at the school. I want more then a letter in her file. I don't think a letter in the file is going to fix anything. She is definitely acting different, almost like a forced good cheer if you will and a tad bit of hyperness (overly-bounciness?) that usually isn't there. I don't know if this is her reaction or if she is doing it for my benefit trying to convince me she is basically okay to make me feel better. She says she is okay, that she'll get through it fine, but that at the same time it will be there for a while. I've thought about the counselor end too, but not sure on that one yet, time will tell me more. Thanks again. Lynn

Make her be proud of what she's done and how strong she is for going through this. Maybe that will help her change the effect of that situation on her life.

We stayed up til 1:30 in the morning last night talking it all over again (she came back out after going to bed, unable to sleep). I don't know if I'm getting through to her. She's definitely putting on her best face for it, but it has still had a big effect on her. She is salutatorian of her class at this point and she told me she is no longer second in Math, she is only getting an 85. She is letting this rule her. I don't know when what I'm telling her is going to sink in. I know time will help, the first basketball game of the season is Tuesday (tomorrow) and in her mind she is positive she will only see the bench. The coach is being decent to her but looks at her with resentment in her eyes. I have another appointment at the school tomorrow a.m. Right now she is just stuck in the "I feel less than" and "why me" rut. She has SO much support around her. Family, friends, teachers, I just need her to grasp what we are saying. I get that she was demolished up there, but we have to look at it differently, like you said, she should be very proud, especially walking back into that gym... frustrated..

The teacher sounds like someone I know... Military trainer who couldnt give a toss whether someone was scared of heights - he tells them either you climb to the top or you give me 1000 pushups!

Zack Wrote:The teacher sounds like someone I know... Military trainer who couldnt give a toss whether someone was scared of heights - he tells them either you climb to the top or you give me 1000 pushups!

You kind of expect it in military school but not for conventional school :shock:

Yes I agree with the military training scenario. Just for the record, the school voted in favor of the coach this morning. Blamed it on her being young and having to learn from her mistakes...give her time they said. They also suggested I apologize to her for losing my temper. They are leaving it at a written reprimand in her file. I have no intentions of apologizing, I apologized to my daughter for losing my temper and some of the other girls and parents but I won't apologize to her. They said they were more worried about me than the coach seeing as I can lost my temper and yelled at her. They feel now she (the coach) feels threatened by me, according to a letter she wrote to the school. I love politics. Anyhow, its on hold for right now. I'd rather just deal with my daughter's well being than bring more anxiety into her life by forcing an issue. The coach told the school that it was the girls' choice to do the activity, and of course she said yes they could. Doesn't matter that the whole team has told the truth.

Hi Lynn

I think there are two issues your daughter is trying to deal with. The first is her phobia and the fact she was sent up a 35' pole. The second is she has been let down, even betrayed by not only the coach, but also the school. It is good that you and her friends are supporting her but I still think the school has to take some responsibility.

As for losing your temper, I would have done the same under the circumstances and I wouldn't apologies, you need to show your daughter that someone will stand up for her. ssmile

Zack if it had been one of your daughter what would you have done?

What school? Do you want me to pay a visit :twisted:

Thank you all SO much for talking with me. It has helped alot. I think both my daughter and I learned alot during this ordeal. And yes, I do agree now that you mention it that, I bet part of it is the school let her down to. Which is big for her. Two weeks later now I am happy to say, altho definitely not forgotten, she is much better. We live in a small town, and everybody knows everything of course. The people (adults, teachers, friends, college siblings, little kids even) that have the nerve and backbone to stand up for right and wrong have done that. Even yet last night, a mom and dad we know, cornered her after the boys' (their son's) basketball game and made her feel 10 feet tall with their support. The girl's (her) coach was standing close by, close enough to hear, and the Dad made sure she could hear as he made his point. This particular father is an intimidating presence in his own right, and him doing that (with the mother adding the motherly touch) helped her SO much. My kids lost their dad when she was four and her brother two, so I know this particular father (whom she quietly adores) made a huge difference. She has learned who the good people are through this and who the "politicians" are. The Athletic Director called her in and told her that he thought the school should have done more, but also let her know that if she needs anything, day or evening, remember he is right there in her corner. As we are now two weeks into the basketball season, I can see who is watching over her and ready to jump if needed. But so far the coach has changed her tune. My daughter still has not put herself in a one on one situation with the coach and is refusing to go to some team "brunch" they are having at her house on Saturday. I told her she didn't have to go. The school knows we are on hold with the issue at the moment, one I want my daughter to heal so I can't be throwing it in her face all the time and adding more anxiety, and two I have no faith in them anymore...if another incident like this comes up I will take other measures and call Zack (ha ha!) She doesn't seem to be losing sleep or having any other odd behavior at the moment, but I am keeping an ever watchful eye and she is feeling the love from the right people in the community which has helped her more than anything. I thanked the JV coach for her help on the day it happened, and I think she was surprised. I think she thought I blamed her also. I told her how much it meant to me as a mom, the immediate support she provided when I couldn't be there. She too, has now been continuing watch over things I can't see. So I'm hoping it is all just a bad memory now. Thanks again to all of you who offered your advice or thoughts. It really has helped me in helping her.

Hi loco911

I am glad to hear, with your support, your daughter is on the mend. ssmile It is also good to hear she has so much support in the community too, that is of far more importance than anything a therapists can offer at this stage. ssmile

Although it is difficult (I would have called Zack by now :lol: ) I agree that it best to let your daughter decide when she feels ready to take further action against shall we say those responsible (I am not a lawyer but I would say the principal has to take responsibility for the welfare of the students as well as the coach)

Hopefully things will keep on improving, but remember if you or you daughter feel the need to talk there is always someone here to lend support. happy7