DIARY

I saw that other members had diaries and I didn't want to be left out! Thanks to Shy Guy for encouraging me to keep one. I wouldn't have done this otherwise. ssmile

Long introduction

I'm 15 now and i've had anxiety for as long as I remember. The depression came later when I was about eleven but it is very severe. I have always struggled with going to school and I have missed an estimated 3 years of education because of my fear. I stopped going in completely when I was thirteen and I saw an educational psychologist, a psychiatrist who was patronising, unintuitive and mean, 2 social workers and I had a tutor from 'home and hospital' a service for students who are either ill or who are 'school refusers'. They threatened to send my parents to prison and they spent their whole time insulting me and making me feel lazy and stupid. I proved them wrong when I got a scholarship to an all-girls' school. I moved there and for a while things seemed to be finally getting better. I couldn't have been more wrong. I soon became very depressed and anxious and I saw a GP who wanted to refer me to a local mental hospital. My parents didn't let him so instead I see a psychologist once a week. Things seem to be getting worse. I doubt this would have happened if I hadn't hidden my anxiety when I was younger. I hid it because I was ashamed. My dad and sisters laughed at me and called me a 'scaredy cat' and 'pathetic'. I felt so silly and I didn't get help. It built up and came to the surface at the most awkward time, GCSE years. It was my teacher who finally found out the real problem. She thought that I was a standard 'school phobic' when I arrived but now she has changed her mind. She knows that there are deeper issues and she doesn't even think that school is my problem. Right now I don't know what's going to happen.

So far the psychologists/psychiatrists have suggested these diagnoses:

Major depression
social phobia
emetophobia
some sort of sleep disturbance
definitely an anxiety disorder but they don't know which one. Either generalized anxiety or panic disorder
I have also had problems with self-harm (6 months without SI! sbiggrin )

I think i should stop writing now. This is a long intro! ssurprised

17th October

Today hasn't been bad at all. I am currently having a period of relief from depression and anxiety. It's not completely gone but it has lifted. That happens frequently, I get between 30 minutes to a few hours of relief every three or four days. Most people would take feeling like this for granted but I never do. If you feel like you've been tortured constantly for days then any reduction in symptoms is welcome. I can't believe how amazing it is to feel normal again. I am very worried about it returning. I know it will all be back soon and I will feel terrible. For now i'm enjoying the calm feeling. ssmile

Oh and another positive thing, I spoke on the phone to a stranger, well, almost a stranger. I didn't even shake, get clammy or stutter! sbiggrin

18th October

I'm having a hard time today. I feel disorientated and on edge. It's a sort of grey day and that type of weather makes me nervous. It's like that dreamy, heavy atmosphere before a storm. My aunt is staying over. It's the second night now and I find it hard to be around her. It's not that I don't like her, I just can't feel relaxed until I'm on my own again. It's claustrophobic and I want to keep running until I can escape. How on earth can I cope with this? scry

19th October

It has been the worst birthday I've ever had. Mostly because of overhelming anxiety and depression. It was quite particularly bad today. I got a lovely cake though & a balloon with '16' on it. I had an anxiety attack because i was so nervous about having people visiting me. In the end I managed to tell them I didn't want to see them today and I am proud of myself. YAY. Altogether it's been bad but with a few positive things.

23rd October

I want a day where I get some relief. Just a temporary bit of hope please. I am experiencing 'severe depressive terror' and the worst part is that it's unrelenting. If I could only get some rest I could use it to gather strength to fight this horrible thing! I can't see an exit. If this goes on for much longer I can see myself getting very suicidal. I don't want my life to end...I just want it to be free of agony. I walked up the street today. There were lots of dogs and my mum laughed at me (again ssad ) I can hardly type this and I feel physically ill. I'm either going to go insane or die. This isn't going to stop is it?

EDIT: I can't believe this. I just got a few minutes of freedom from it just after i had begged for some relief. It was almost on cue. I can feel it returning now and i am dreading the ache but i have never been so grateful for anything in my life. That rest was better than any material present. Thank you.

I don't know who i'm thanking but i felt as though i should say thank you...I am odd... ssmile

27th October

I've felt so bad recently. There are no words to describe it. It's like the Hopkins poem 'No worse there is none' I was so scared today. My mum made me go out because i hadn't left the house in days. I was scared of the dogs!

On a positive note, I have managed to answer the phone twice.

10 November

It's been a really weird few weeks. :| I don't really know how i've felt. I went outside today and it was the worst experience ever! There were 2 massive dogs walking behind me and I started to sort of clamber across things trying to find a quick escape in case they caught up. My head was spinning and time seemed to stop. It was all a blur. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I noticed another dog running on the field. They were both going in opposite directions so I knew I would have to pass at least one of them. Instead of that I started looking for trees to climb up but they were all too high and I couldn't breathe & my speech was slurred. I couldn't see a way out so I just stood frozen in the middle of the path. After a while I decided to walk on the inside of the road so that I could easily run across if one of the dogs followed me. Luckily I passed the other one without it noticing me and the other 2 didn't catch up. I have never been so relieved to get into a shop doorway. YAY. My face was like this: confused1 angry1 :shock:

Now I have pains in my chest...