I've been working really hard at overcoming my contamination ocd and for the pass few months, I've felt like I had control over it instead of the other way around. It's been such a relief but I've been bracing myself, almost waiting for something to trigger another episode. Well, tonight, it happened. But for the first time, it has nothing to do with germs.

About 15 years ago, when I was in my late teens, I worked at the local mall. One night, in the back room of the store, a couple of my coworkers were smoking what they claimed was just a strong cigarette. They said that it wasn't marijuana, just tobacco (but I remember that it wasn't a normal cigarette either) and it was harmless. They may have even shown me the package it came in? Anyway, they urged me to take a puff (I've never been a drinker or a smoker). I refused but they kept prodding. Anyway, I relented and took a puff and that was it...

At least, that was it until tonight. I was watching something on tv about drugs and remembered that night. Now, I'm obsessing that I used drugs. I could accept it if it was truly a cigarette, but my mind keeps asking, what if it was something else. What if it was even cocaine or some hard drug. I just can't live with the thought of myself being a drug user! I feel so awful and helpless because I know there's no way for me to know exactly what happened and nobody would understand if I told them. Do these thoughts even fall under the category of ocd? What am I going to do to stop thinking this way?! can anyone relate in the least bit?

I've heard it said that OCD is a doubting disease - in fact, there is actually a book with that title. I know that I am often doubting whether things I did were "okay" or not.

Sometimes I will think back on things that I did in my life and wonder if I caused harm to someone in some way. I know it is so far in the past that I can't do anything about it now.....but I still wonder some times - but thankfully not to the point where I am stuck thinking about it for a while.

The emotion that I feel a lot with my OCD is guilt. It is overwhelming sometimes. I would describe it like a black cloud hanging over my head. For example, I feel guilt when I think I have cheated or stolen something - even if rationally, I probably didn't. Sometimes the situation is so minor, like, it's not like I broke the law. I think to myself, can I live with myself for doing that certain thing? I pray about it sometimes. And sometimes I even "confess" the situation to a friend (who would understand) just so I can hear that I didn't do anything wrong.

And then of course, sometimes a new situation will come up that causes guilt for me and sometimes I will forget about the previous guilt-inducing situation.

I don't know if this helped or not, but I wanted to respond because I felt I could relate, even just a tiny bit. I don't know what it will take for you to not think about it. It is hard to be entirely sure of the details of something that happened so long ago. I hope it is not causing you too much stress. Please feel free to message me if you need someone. I don't know if I can help much, but I am here to listen.

Thank you Eeyore_fan for your response. It helped a lot. It's comforting to know that someone can relate at least a little.

Time has allowed me to put the obsession in a better perspective. It's gobne from a full blown crisis to just annoying background noise that occasinally creeps to the front.

Like you, I "confessed" to a friend who helped me see how ridiculous it was by reminding me if it was anything to it, it wouldn't be some inconsequential memory buried in my subconcious for years. Still, ocd craves absolute certainty about everything. I can't believe some of the things I question.