Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I'm a 33 year old male, and my lifestyle now mandates the incorporation of frequent flying. To make a long story short, I'm in the process of permanently relocating to southern California from Pennsylvania. I'm a small business owner, and this transition is gonna take about a year. My girlfriend is already out in Socal, so for at least the next ten months or so, I'm gonna have to fly back and fourth. If I don't, then I won't be seeing her too much over the next year. I'm also staying with my parents temporarily here in Pennsylvania, so I'd like to spend as much of my free time at my new home in California, since my girlfriend is much better company than my parents.

I don't remember when my fear of flying first came into existence, but I've had it for as long as I can remember. Back in 1994, a US air 737 crashed just outside of Pittsburgh, close to where I live...killing everyone. I heard a lot of stories about the carnage of that incident, and like an idiot...I drove up to the wooded area where the plane crashed. I was probably only 17 at the time, but I never got the images of all the charred trees out of my mind. 9/11 didn't help either. I remember telling my ex-wife (wife at the time) "see....this is why I don't fly".

I've flown four times in my life. The first two times were when I was a child. One trip to Disney world, and one trip to Chicago. Both from Pittsburgh. I don't remember those trips very well. I know I was a little anxious, but that was before I developed this awesome panic attack disorder that I'm now plagued with. The only other childhood flight that I took, was a ride in a small Cessna with my dad and his friend, who was the owner of the plane (and pilot). Ironically, I didn't mind that at all....even though statistically that was probably the most dangerous flight I've ever been on. I guess I felt safe because I knew the pilot...I dunno.

Two years ago, I flew down to Florida to visit my parents at their winter home. I flew on a USA3000 Airbus A-320 from Pittsburgh to Ft. Myers. It was an early evening flight. As soon as the plane started to taxi, I started to have a panic attack. During takeoff, I was visibly in bad shape. I was shaking, had tears streaming down my face, and was sweating profusely. The woman sitting next to me took it upon herself to grab hold my hand and console me. The entire flight was moderately turbulent. Once we reached our cruising altitude, I ordered two consecutive "jack on the rocks". Being that I'd barely eaten all day due to nervousness, and consumed two 0.5mg Xanax tablets prior to takeoff, I became heavily intoxicated after consuming the two stiff drinks. This was somewhat helpful throughout the course of the "cruising" part of the flight, and my nerves calmed down a bit...however I was still at a level 5 (out of 10) terrified. Strangely, the effects of both the Xanax and the booze seemed to almost vanish upon our descent. This went hand-in-hand with the ear-popping, and I'm curious as to whether or not this is a common occurrence in flight. Regardless, it really sucked to return to a sober state right as we were landing. The horror of it all came rushing back into my mind, and each time the plane banked I feared I was seconds from death.

I spent that evening vomiting at my parent's condo, and couldn't enjoy my vacation at all with the knowledge that I'd have to repeat the process in order to get back home....so I didn't. I instead rented a car and drove back. 1,150 miles....straight through. I didn't regret it for a second. How pathetic is that? That was the last time I flew.

So here I am, faced with this new dilemma. If I don't fly, I don't get to see my girlfriend, don't get to stay in my awesome apartment in San Diego for almost a year that I'm paying for, and I don't get to hang out in Socal for a good part of the rest of winter while everyone here in PA is freezing. If I let this fear control me, then I'm blowing an awesome opportunity, and (although I think she'd understand), possibly the most meaningful relationship I've ever had.

I'm such a control freak that I've narrowed my travel down to one airline (US airways), one type of plane (Airbus A-320 series), and one connecting airport (Phoenix Sky Harbor). I've also narrowed my departure times down to the evening flights out of Pittsburgh (around 5pm), and departure flights out of San Diego in the evening as well. Here's my reasoning: The A320's have far less incidents than the Boeing 737's. No A320 hull losses have occurred within the United States. US Airways lost two 737's due to the rudder deflection problems (back when they were USair), and has since updated their fleet with mostly Airbuses. I'd imagine they wanna stay in business, so maintenance should be pretty tight with them. Right? I'm crazy, I know.

I'm also not gonna drink on my first flight (which will probably be next Saturday), and instead just dope myself up with Xanax. I've been taking a low dose for years, and it helps. I suffer from random panic attacks, and I take a daily 0.5 dose to help stave them off. Nobody knows about this except the people closest to me. I'm 6 feet tall and 185 pounds, and I'm by no means a "beta male". I have no qualms taking risks when I'm in control of the situation, but I'm such a control freak that I have difficulty riding shotgun in a car. That's how bad it is. I hide this awful disorder as much as possible, but flying is an amalgamation of all my horrors and fears wrapped up into one. This is a horrific disorder to deal with. Especially if you're a guy.

Somebody please put me at ease. Give me some advice. It would be great if an A-320 pilot could chime in and tell me that all my fears are unfounded, that I've picked the best route, and that I'll be fine. Hopefully the heavy Xanax dose I take will be enough to make the flights tolerable. What worries me though, is if there was ANY non-routine situation during flight. For example, a landing gear malfunction or an engine loss resulting in an emergency landing. I'd just freak out. I'd probably puke and wind up catatonic, if not pass out or have a heart attack. I'm telling you....my fear of flying is bad. The woman I was seated next to on the last flight I took was an RN, and she told me she could literally "smell" the fear on me from my perspiration.

I've been experimenting with watching takeoffs and landing videos on Youtube from my selected airline, airplane, and airports I'll be flying in and out of. I watch them in full-screen mode on my laptop. I spend a couple of hours each evening doing this. Without Xanax, my palms sweat, my heart races, and I've actually had a few mild panic attacks.....from an effin' video on the computer! With my normal max daily dose of Xanax (0.5mg), I can actually watch the videos with only moderate palm sweating, rapid heart rate, and no full-blown panic episode. That's why I've deduced that a dose of 1.0-1.5mg, one hour before boarding....should be enough to put me into enough of a state of indifference to get through the flight with minimal misery. I intend to contact my doctor this week and make him aware of my intention, as he actually suggested it to me a while back anyway.

Oh man, if there's anyone out there on this site....anyone at all who thinks they could help, PLEASE don't hesitate to offer advice! I really, really, really wanna get over this because my life would be a lot better. As I stated before, this fear is now standing between me and spending time with the woman I love and want to marry. It's standing between me and my home as well, and this year is really gonna suck if I can't nip it in the bud, or at least manage it. Ironically, I just drove from San Diego back to PA....solo....through the Mojave desert & two snowstorms. You'd think that would be enough to set my mind at ease about flying, but it wasn't.

My apologies for the long, drawn-out first post. I'm really glad I've found these forums, and I really hope I can find some peace through them. Again, I'd absolutely love to hear from an A320 pilot. I think that would really help a lot. I've learned an awful lot about those planes in recent months, and I hope I'm making the right decision. I hope I don't come off as sounding stupid or weak-minded, because I'm not. Except when it comes to riding shotgun in anything....and flying. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this, and thank you in advance for any efforts to help me out.

Wow, what an interesting post and i must say, you have covered everything i can think of.

Its obvious that this is causing you a lot of concern and i really wish i had some ideas for you, but sadly i dont. You are certainly in a tight spot

I cant even think of anything to say so rather than ramble on, i'll just sit on the side and hope someone else has some good suggestions.

Cheers

(01-10-2012 06:08 PM)Snooks Wrote:  Wow, what an interesting post and i must say, you have covered everything i can think of.

Its obvious that this is causing you a lot of concern and i really wish i had some ideas for you, but sadly i dont. You are certainly in a tight spot

I cant even think of anything to say so rather than ramble on, i'll just sit on the side and hope someone else has some good suggestions.

Cheers

Well, I returned last week from my first trip out there. Both flights were longer than any other flight I'd been on previously, and both included a layover (as I mentioned before). All together I experienced four takeoffs and four landings.

I loaded up on Xanax which helped, however the first flight was the worst. Pretty much the same level of fear I experienced on my previous trip to Florida. Having no other option, I boarded my second flight which took me from PHX to SD. That was better, however it was still incredibly uncomfortable.

Worrying about the flight back had an impact on me while I was visiting, however I refused to let it ruin the entire visit. The flight back was much better, although I was still incredibly nervous the whole time. Each landing was EXTREMELY turbulent, although I wasn't very bothered by the turbulence. I've come to the conclusion that it's a matter of desensitization for me. Each flight gets a little better, and....with the help of the benzos.....I think I'll eventually find myself at a neutral disposition.

I will say this....It's an empowering feeling to know that I now have the ability to travel from PA to Socal in under eight hours. That's a pretty awesome feeling, after having driven that same distance and reflecting on the amount of time and effort it takes.

Hi paver

Congratulations on the flights you took!

Fear of flying is one of the more common fears that people tend to have, so in regard to that, you are definitely not the only one. Nor are you by means the only one in your planning/ preparation.

I don't have the same fear as you, but I would describe myself as a nervous flyer (who particularly doesn't do turbulence!). After making several trips to Ireland from the UK (1 hours flying time), several years ago I found myself boarding a plane to New Zealand (24+ hours flying time!).

After managing that okay, in a way, I ended up being disappointed that I couldn't now take a longer flight to anywhere else! Hence, I can definitely identify with your sense of empowerment.

Well you have certainly made great inroads.....well done

That forum is really great. I am glad that joined. There is loads of ways to cure phobia so keep looking for help and you'll be free in a while