Hello everyone I decided to repost my siltation.

I use to talk with Mr Ian, but I have not heard for him for awhile. So this is my situation to present day.

I know I'm asking for a lot, but I need a little reassurance. I know I must have HOCD. I just want to really explain my situation, so I can give myself and anyone who has what I can only call "a nightmare" some clue as to what is going on.

Do I know for a 100% accuracy that I'm straight? No, I can not say that. I was a late bloomer to the dating scene and actually got into my first "real" relationship when I was in my mid-20's. Before that time, I had 0% interest in men at all. When I dated my ex-fiance, again 0% interest in men. After an ugly break up with my then fiance, for some reason I started looking at men. I mean my mind just went into overdrive and for about three months, I thought I was gay. I even convinced myself that I was. Until one point, three months later, I said to myself 'what the hell am I doing?" and literally snapped myself out of this stupor right then and there and all the feelings of men disappeared. Now, during this time, I never kissed a guy or did anything sexually just for the record.

When I got back into the dating scene, I was involved with another lady for about 10 months. I cared for her but she had a disability that really came into play and just pushed me away from her. Mind you, I was happy and not one HOCD situation flared up. Our bedroom life was the cause as her body did not work well as MS crippled her muscles including the vaginal one.

Then I get into another relationship that lasted two years. This part is weird. We met through our company. We hit it off well and eventually hooked up. Our bedroom life started coming unglued. I would finish in bed in under 10 seconds. I mean a little penetration and I was done. Could this have started the HOCD re-spiking? I personally think this was the catalyst. I have very little self-esteem to begin with, and maybe this was my mind telling me I was not happy with her?? I watched "Clockwork Orange" one day, and I was getting gay thoughts stuck in my head not sure why. Even told my ex I have gay thoughts running around in my head. This nearly broke us apart right then and there. What really gets stranger, I was getting attraction to a gay guy at my work. What the hell was this all about? I did nothing to act on these odd feelings as I am not gay and don't want that lifestyle. I even had dreams of kissing a guy in my dreams. I would never see a face more of a shadow. I believe this spans back to the troublesome bedroom life and my mind was planting these images.

I then move on to my most recent break up which was about 2 yrs ago. We dated for 4 months and it was fine for a while. A few flares up here and there but nothing real major. Bedroom life was great. I was getting more stamina in the bedroom and less worries. I basically crashed the relationship with paranoia, which although was justified, the context in which it was explored was wrong.

Now I'm spiking all over the place. I don't know what to do??? I know people can not just "turn gay" either you are or you aren't. Things like genes, your environment, and your personalty dictate these things. So the question is why do I have these thoughts or "feelings"?

Am I secretly bisexual and this all of a sudden is happening, which I have no answer for? I have been straight my whole life with just two times in my life that these feelings have come up. Is it that I'm homophobic? If I see two guys kissing I get grossed out. I can not see myself kissing another man, so why do these thoughts keep flooding my mind if I hate the mere idea of it?

I did and still watch a lot of porn and might be addicted to it. I definitely need to cut that out. Seemed when I stopped watching porn altogether, I had 0 flare ups or spikes.

I do have other forms of OCD: looking at my car break to make sure it's up walk away and quickly return to make sure it didn't fall down and my car doesn't roll into the street. Putting a paper towel under my plate to make sure I don't make a mess which are two examples.

I have had times when I can not sleep, like last night for instance, when my mind keeps telling me you're gay..you're gay over and over again. I have broken down several time into tears.

Want to thank everyone who takes time to read this wall of text. Does this make any sense to any board member or board therapist?


Ps..these thoughts bother me all the time. I look at men and feel what I can only call is " attraction"