Much, thank you. =D

Your GP is a little.... insensitive.

The MSN guy doesn't see you as you see yourself. You probably are cute and not 'settled for'.

Driving lessons are meant to go badly. Otherwise why would we need lessons and instructors?

You'll get the hang of KFC. I would just love to see you on the drive-thru order - you'd be telling people "Your diction is terrible and you ought enunciate yourself more clearly please". :laugh:

Not at all digruntled anymore thanks,
Tunbridge Wells

[Loud expletive.]

I just watched the first part of Stephen Fry's documentary about bipolar disorder - they finally aired it on Australian TV!

And...

I worry about my mental health in general all the time, and a few months ago I went through a phase of being absolutely terrified of developing bipolar. I read every article I could get my hands on and eventually decided I was fine, but this show's got me convinced. I just did a self-test online as well, and it says, "Your results show that you are experiencing many of the symptoms associated with bipolar. It is strongly suggested that you seek out a mental health care provider in your area for more information on actual diagnosis and treatment." The test was here if anyone wants to see it: <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://www.thehealthcenter.info/selftest.php?id=6">http://www.thehealthcenter.info/selftest.php?id=6</a><!-- m --> I listened to Stephen Fry's stories of adolescent bad behaviour and found it extremely unnerving. When I was about ten, I went through a phase of, I dunno, just being a little s**t. I stole from my classmates, harrassed our replacement teacher incessantly when our "nice" old teacher went on maternity leave, climbed up five-metre-tall lamp-posts and swung off the tops of them, climbed on the roof of the house, spent a lot of time in the top of my wardrobe, gave the people at after-school care hell, etc. I calmed down in my final year of primary school and went back to being teacher's pet. In the first half of the first year of high school I was a bad student only in English class. I still got good marks when I was doing all this, but I was extremely badly behaved. I'd like to think this was all due to being bored and understimulated because I was fairly bright, but I wasn't - and I'm not - a genius or anything. Since then I haven't really had any attention-seeking or otherwise "manic" tendencies, although I can get a bit silly when I'm with my friends. This is probably normal, but given all my other symptoms, I just don't know. Surely just laughing and being loud is normal when you're one of a group of adolescent girls. The only other thing is that I sometimes get a burst of energy when I listen to a song I really like; I feel the urge to pace, sometimes run around the house. I can control it, though - I don't do it when anyone else is home, but I still think it's weird.

Genetically, I'm not very lucky either. My dad's grandmother was supposedly mad; my dad says she was schizophrenic, but this was the 1950s; the diagnosis could've been wrong or my dad might just have assumed that because she was mentally ill, she was schizophrenic. Well, she might've been bipolar! My dad's whole family are nutters, too (pardon the phrase): he's obsessive compulsive and has been hospitalised with depression, his sister's depressed and seems to have a terrible inferiority complex, his mother's obsessive compulsive and his father was prone to angry, violent outbursts, but has mellowed with age. And then of course I've got all sorts of problems already. Can unipolar depression or other mental illnesses "turn into" bipolar?

Another thing: When I get stressed, I become agitated very easily. The other week I had a full-blown tantrum trying to fill in my enrolment forms for uni. Screaming, crying, even jumping up and down. I knew I was behaving inappropriately, though. Does that make a difference? I knew my parents were right and that I was being impatient and illogical. They just weren't being very helpful, nor did they seem concerned that several of the forms were due back several days previously and I might have missed out on a place. (For the record, it didn't matter that some of them went back a bit late.) Again, I'm fairly sure I can control my temper if I want: I would only to that in front of my parents, never in public or in front of anyone else. I got very angry at the doctor but just became submissive. The same thing happens when I drive: if I'm stressed and I'm with the instructor, I go quiet; if I'm with my parents I scream and whinge until I get my own way.

Surely all this can be explained by other anxiety problems...? A bright kid being understimulated...? Just a "nervous disposition"...? Please God don't let me have another even worse illness!

I'm terrified to do anything now because I know that stress can trigger bipolar; I read one website that said those at risk of developing it should postpone any major lifestyle changes. In two weeks I move out and start uni. Not major at all. And what with being an emetophobe suddenly having to share a kitchen and a bathroom with ten other people... I won't be stressed! And all the socialising (or lack thereof) with SA! Hahaha...CRAP.

Have you tried 'cyclothymia'?

Difference would be an absence of psychotic thinking. You don't seem to have that - just "mood dysregulation".
It's all just labels to me - but I know it sometimes helps to put a finger on it.

Family relationship dysfunction can play a big part in helping that sort of thing along.

Thanks, Mr Ian. I've heard of cyclothymia and I was just reading the Wikipedia article about it... I don't know if I really do have episodes of hypomania; it says "People experiencing hypomanic symptoms typically have a flood of ideas, and sometimes mildly grandiose thoughts and visions." I don't really get "floods of ideas", let alone "grandiose thoughts and visions". If I'm feeling "happy", there's usually a thought in the back of my head that it's not going to last long and that I'm kidding myself; I stay realistic/pessimistic. However I have also read that some people with bipolar experience highs and lows simultaneously...

I just want it to go away. Let's just say I have got/have started to develop cyclothymia or bipolar... Can I stop it from worsening? I've been fairly socially isolated for the last three months, which has made all my problems noticeably worse; once I get back into some kind of routine and get out of the house again, will I be able to avoid it? Should I stop drinking tea (I only drink one cup a day!) and start exercising? What can I do?

Ohhh, who invented food? Why does it have to be such a big part of socialising? From my residential college welcome letter: "We’ll then have a compulsory dinner for all new residents, which we
strongly suggest you don’t miss (it is compulsory after all!)...Sunday will be a chance to find your feet and give you a chance to settle in some more before a BBQ and a great night full of games and
a chance to meet returning residents at our traditional Moat BBQ." No thank you. Catered meals for scores of people and barbecues = food poisoning. Nonono. Uni life is already a great success.

Quote:Can I stop it from worsening? I've been fairly socially isolated for the last three months, which has made all my problems noticeably worse; once I get back into some kind of routine and get out of the house again, will I be able to avoid it? Should I stop drinking tea (I only drink one cup a day!) and start exercising? What can I do?

yes yes no yes anything you want. ssmile

I don't want to go to uni I don't want to go to uni I don't want to go to uni I don't want to...yeah.

Today was the first time I took the tram there, all by myself; took me two hours in total. I got lost! I stayed on the tram too long, was just minding my own business staring out the window when I realised we'd been sitting still for a while, turned around and saw the tram was deserted. :laugh: Then the driver came through sweeping and asked if I needed help and then laughed because I'd missed the uni by more than ten stops! Anyway, I was feeling quite anxious from just being on the tram for that long; these two young women with their iPods on full blast had sat next to me yelling at one another for most of the trip and I suppose I'm just not used to noisy public places anymore...so I almost burst into tears when the driver laughed at me (okay, I know he was just being friendly, even though it was a stupid thing to do). Then I had to find the Health Sciences building and some idiot on a motorbike tore through the driveway, nearly deafening me, and I had to try really hard not to curl up into the foetal position and whimper. It terrified me for some reason. I think I've been at home doing nothing for so long...it's like when you go from a dark cinema out into broad daylight and can't see anything...but with all my senses. (Nauseating cliches out of the way now.) I don't know if I can handle such a big jump.

The other thing annoying me today was my fear of madness, which has been the worst it's ever been over the past week...after I'd been to the uni I went back into the city and had a look 'round the shops. At one point I thought I heard a girl call my name. Happens to all of us from time to time, I know. I was fairly sure no-one I knew was there, but turned around anyway, and didn't see any young females in the vicinity, no-one with that kind of voice...then I got completely freaked out, having convinced myself that I was "hearing voices" - not that they were saying anything malicious or anything, like schizophrenics apparently hear, just my name, but I was so scared I started feeling sick.

I've heard of a fear of madness, but can't really find any information on it. I definitely have some kind of serious phobia here. Maybe it's a type of OCD or hypochondria? I read lists of symptoms over and over, usually manage to convince myself that I have those symptoms, no matter how minor (e.g. the "hearing voices" thing), monitor all my thoughts very, very closely, and just feel completely hopeless about the future, convincing myself that I'll go totally insane one day. During last week's "bipolar scare" (which continued into this week, albeit not as severe), I kept making mental (no pun intended! :laugh: ) notes of my mood, thoughts, etc. For example, when I went to the shopping centre, I made myself think every purchase through very, very thoroughly, weighing up all the pros and cons of having the item (I was just buying stationery and some kitchen utensils), making sure I didn't go on an extravagant shopping spree typical of someone having a manic episode. Today I bought a top, thinking I'd need something nice to wear to all the parties we'll be having at uni orientation, and a singlet to wear underneath, thinking I didn't have anything in a similar colour...then afterwards cursed myself for being so frivolous. On the one hand, I "agreed with myself" that I needed more than one or two dresses. On the other hand, I thought those one or two dresses were absolutely fine and I was wasting money because I was manic! I'm reluctant to go to a doctor about any of the mental illnesses I think I have/am developing, because I don't know what to say. If he says I'm fine, I'll say, "no, no, you're not listening, I have [insert long list of symptoms]". But if he says I do have the illness, I'll say, "but I can't have, you see [insert excuse, it isn't really all that bad, etc.]!" And I know that, ironically, if I do end up going mad, it's the worry about going mad that'll be the cause. I'm certain that it's this particular problem, and not my emet, SA or anything else that's making me completely on edge all the time. Social isolation hasn't helped because everyone knows that it's a major risk factor for a lot of mental illnesses. So it's made this problem worse; I worry more about going mad, and I have extra reason to worry about going mad because I'm socially isolated...! Argh!

Haha. Just proof-reading. "I definitely have some kind of serious phobia here" is obviously a sentence I use a lot, right? Well, I am absolutely certain that my fear of madness is real. I know the fears that stem from it are illogical and/or excessive. And even my mum would agree with me, and she's always the one that says there's nothing wrong with me and I just have to get over it.

Quote:I've heard of a fear of madness, but can't really find any information on it

Google : "Mr Ian-o-phobia"


IMO, all your fears, phobias and anxieties - are symptoms - not the problem.

Symptoms of what, though?!!!! :laugh: Just severe anxiety? I bet if I go to the doctor with that, they'll just put me on medication smad and send me out the door again. Unless I pay $200 a session to go to some private psychologist...

dontknow



crybaby2

low self esteem, exacerbated by the invalidation of your beliefs and perceptions

Sunday, 22 February 2009, 11:00 am

Thought I’d write a bit about my new life at uni. My internet’s not working, so I’ll post this as soon as it gets going.
Today’s my second day here and already, emet and SA have spoilt it for me. I’ve just come from the Chisholm (my residential college) brunch. It was supposed to start at 10:30 but I was late, having made an urgent trip to the nearby shops to buy a new toothbrush (I dropped mine on the floor in my room and didn’t think water was enough to clean it) and mouthwash (I don’t trust the water here, so I like to think I’m killing all the germs that got in there when I brushed my teeth). So. Got to the brunch 15 minutes late, wasn’t sure what food was there, hovered around the queue for food for a bit, acutely aware that I was the ONLY person there alone, and not seeing anyone I’d spoken to at the welcome dinner last night (only about three people). I sat down on the grass, opposite the bit where all the groups were – I’d’ve looked weird if I sat there on my own – and then realised how stupid I looked, all alone on the other side of the Hill (yes, it has a capital H). I sat there for a while, trying to smile and look around as if actually interested, desperately searching for someone I could speak to, but didn’t see them. I thought about going over to the food again so I at least had something to do, but wasn’t sure if I’d eat anything there, and didn’t want to go over, turn around and come back with nothing. After about five minutes I just ran up to my dorm trying not to cry. I wasn’t really having a panic attack, and I don’t really feel lonely, I just feel like a complete idiot being on my own, like people are going to say I’m weird because I’m quiet and a loner. I know that hovering briefly around events and then running off to my room don’t exactly help that. I’m really starting to miss my friends, most of whom I haven’t seen since the beginning of January. I didn’t think I’d miss them that much, but when you see you’re the only one not being accepted into a group straight away, you start to care a bit more. One disadvantage of my college is that it’s over 50% international students. Not that I have a problem with Asians or any other race – most of my friends are Asian – but the thing is that some of the internationals tend to stick together and don’t even acknowledge the rest of us. I tried smiling and saying hi to a girl from Japan, hoping to start a conversation; she just smiled and went back to her other friends, who I think are Vietnamese and Chinese. I’m still trying to talk to them, but I don’t think I’ll get anywhere.

As for the hygiene standards here: The toilet seat is frequently urinated on, despite several large signs asking people not to do so and to clean up if any “spillage” occurs. The sink is all grubby and full of hair, so that I have to wait ‘til no-one’s around and go in with my gloves and disinfectant before I use it. This week we have free food all the time, I think, but when I have to start cooking for myself, I don’t know what I’ll do because I don’t “trust” that bathroom to wash my hands in. I have to wear thongs (flip-flops, whatever you want to call them) in the shower – fair enough, it is communal, after all – and even the towel racks look filthy. The kitchen is already full of dishes with all kinds of things baked/growing on them and, sure enough, I got up early this morning so I could get my gloves and disinfectant in there without offending anyone. As I found out when I arrived, we’re not supposed to have kettles in our rooms, but I’d received a letter from the college saying we were allowed them, so I have my own hidden in the cupboard. I thought I’d be able to handle a shared kettle – the water’s boiled, so it should be safe – but when I opened the top to put more water in, I saw that brown stuff that gets inside kettles after a while, and ran back to get my own. Thank God no-one came in and saw me carrying another bloody kettle about – THAT would have looked stupid. I know that all kettles go brown after a while, but ours at home certainly isn’t that bad, and it just doesn’t look nice, and so put me off completely.

My emet also worsened a bit last night after listening to one of the American exchange students, who’s a vegetarian, telling us all how humans aren’t supposed to eat meat or dairy at all because our digestive systems haven’t actually evolved that far yet – something like that – and she said she had a burger once after not eating meat for a while and “wanted to die”. Of course I wanted to ask her if that meant she threw up a lot. I assume it did. Then her friend said that most people are lactose intolerant anyway and get sick very easily from milk. Wonderful. I was only planning on eating meat when I go home on weekends - don’t trust myself to cook meat – and now I’m worried that’ll make me sick. My mum also bought me a tiny carton of milk to have on my cereal, and so now I’m afraid to eat cereal. Right now I’m starving after having a miniscule amount of cereal with about a teaspoon of milk on it, plus my cup of green tea, two and a half hours ago. We don’t get a free lunch today because there was brunch, and I have to go on a shopping trip from 12:30 – 5:00. There’s a barbecue at 7 pm, at which I probably won’t eat anything, and no supper or dessert like there was last night. I am STARVING.



Monday, 23 February, 2:10 pm (i.e. now _cheesygrin:: )

Skipped another event last night after turning up for a few minutes and sitting by myself. Completely socially isolated. I did actually talk to one of the Japanese girls this morning, but as I can't pronounce - let alone remember - her name, I don't think that's going to work out. I got lost on the way to another activity just before and so now I'm in my room again. The door's open and one of the girls is here, but I think she's started to think I'm snobby or socially retarded or antisocial, because she doesn't even acknowledge me any more. Tomorrow night we have the Comedy Gala, which I'll go to, because it's not a social event as such; I'll go there to actually see Arj Barker and some no-name Australian comedienne. I won't have to worry as much about standing around on my own.

Oh, by the way, I used the kettle in the kitchen this morning!
In other emet news, at the party last night (the one I went to for five minutes before walking off in tears) I overheard people talking about how much they'd thrown up from the night before, which was LOTS, thankfully no-one on my floor, but I still panicked a bit. But this morning, I overheard one of the girls from my floor saying she "wasn't well" and that it somehow prevented her having fun last night. I'm guessing straight away that it's stomach trouble. I don't think she has a cold or anything else that would develop so quickly; she seemed fine when I spoke to her yesterday during the day... I want to go home and use my nice clean bathroom and kettle and not have to use my elbows to open doors and eat what I want without waiting for people to go away so I can perform all these stupid cleaning rituals, in fact, at home I don't even have to clean things before I use them.... crybaby2

(( mauer ))

It's tough. I hate starting places new but give it time.

Why is there no darn 'hug' icon on here?

Aww, thanks Mr. Ian. **hugs**

At least I have the Internet now so I can talk to my friends, and one of them's coming to visit me tomorrow, but I hate sitting here when I know the rest are all outside making new friends and having fun!

sketch pad and pencils
doesn't matter if you can't draw.
just sit and try to draw the Hill or something
people get curious - and get to see you around - and you're not hanging there to meet anyone - No. Not at all. You're sketching, but if someone comes to say hi....

don't wear an iPod - it puts people off

I've been taking Lexapro for three weeks now and it - is - a - freaking - miracle -drug! I could tell when it had kicked in because the past week has been one of the best of my life. I'm still anxious, but managing okay, my BDD symptoms have almost disappeared (but I'm still very unhappy with my appearance a lot of the time), I went out every single day last week, met new people, talked to strangers, went clothes shopping, ate out...and tonight I have a date! With someone I actually like (i.e. I'm not just being polite :laugh: )!

Thing is, as big a difference as it's made to my quality of life, I'm actually kind of disappointed that it's working so well. I don't want to be on meds in the long run...maybe the drug will help me to break my old SA habits and when I've built up some confidence and social skills, I can see how I go without it. For the moment, life is pretty good, though!