Hi everyone,

it's my first time on here and really the first time I found a forum to talk about my current state of mind.

I have been suffering from a depression for at least 8 years and it went untreated as I was in a strong self denial.. I thought I was too strong a person to have anything like that wrong with me and bal bla bla.. the short of itis, I did nothing about it and it got progressively worse, specially in the last three years or so,, due to recent events & circumstances it came to a point where i actually broke down in despair and cried my heart out.

the cause of it has been sexual and relationship problems with my wife of 25 years, she too has suffered repeatedly with depression specially in the last 12 years or so.. the change in her behavior has worn me down and resulted in our sexual life practically being non existent for months and months on end, her affections towards me also waned and I felt unloved for much of the time, this was the trigger and as it kept on happening the sadder and lonelier I felt.

Three years ago i was diagnosed with other health problems which along with the big credit crunch at the time came at a bad time job wise, I had to quit the job and stop working the hours I did 60 - 70 pw and do something else, I started my small home business as a partnership with her, however as she expected instant results she lost interest very quickly init and I was left with all the work that i could not cope with, the business suffered, my depression made things worse and the income never came to much!

Along come her latest depression, this time however is not a personal issue but the trigger is my inability to earn a decent amount and bring sufficient funds to the household, she began to resent me by having to pay most bills and been angry and distancing herself from me, this added to my own downward spiral I was already suffering and turned me into quite a nasty person which I am not by nature.. so problems arose...

She was going out regularly to see friends, I was always stuck at home working from morning till late at night.. for little or no reward or recognition from any side.

She started to see more of a work male colleague who apparently also was suffering from a depression, having had a few herself she though she could help, at first |It was alright with me, but then alarm bells started to sound... there were too many phone calls lasting an hour or more, she went out with him on outings (or dates) she even slept round his house quite a few times... then I began noticing she was lying to me about her activities, like she said she was going to a work meeting, but in reality she went to see him and support him in something and then went out with him, I asked if this guy didn't have any other close friends he could count on? why was it her all the time? no answer to that!

it was on their last date and night together I decided enough was enough this was more than just a friendship... i seriously had my strong suspicions about the whole affair, so I pulled her up and had a long serious talk, this is when it all came out that it was all my fault,that she did not love me anymore and that she was practically on her way out of the door.

This is the point where I broke down and realized that my stubbornness and blindness had cause her to grow apart from me and into this mans arms.. too late for me I sank into a deep depression full not just of anger and bitterness as I had been experiencing but now extreme sadness and loneliness took hold, it took me three days to get my courage up and go and see my GP, so I could get help, the state I was in was pitiful I hurt so much, would break down and cry at the drop of a hat, couldn't sleep at all, in others words in a right old mess, all my pent up feeling just came all out at once, I couldn't stop talking to her about it, I think this violent reaction from me took her by surprise as I had always been quite calm and positive so it seemed to her, I just most of the time shut my mouth most of the time and said nothing of what i was feeling or thinking, I just did not know what to do or how to fix things.

She was getting quite fed up with al my talking and questioning why and so for the, this helped understand why this had happened to me and what I could do about it, so I decided if she wouldn't change and if our circumstances couldn't change then I had to! And make changes ii did!

i am still in the process of doing so, but this depression has really gotten a hold on me, I feel low most everyday, I break down and cry wallow in self pity, I cry for her making such a wrong decision. I have been bitter with myself for not listening and acting sooner, beating myself up for being so blind to the whole situation until jealousy reared its ugly head and woke me from the emotional slumber I was in.

the problem I have is that I have come to realize that I still love my wife very much, but she is adamant she does not love me or has any feelings what so ever for me. This makes me feel even worse,

she has stopped seeing this other guy but I know she still wants to see him, she was a hairs breath form leaving me, but me breaking down seemed to stop her in her tracks, she could not leave me in that state, the phoning and dating has stopped, although the do still text each other frequently and phone each other when I am not home or sleep.
Still she is in two minds whether to give me a second chance or experiment with this new friendship/relationship she has with this guy.

this in turn does not make me feel good at all!
she denies there is anything going on, but I know different and its not just my imagination.. she wrote it herself in a help forum online which I accidentally stumbled upon the other day looking for help with our marriage.. i read the whole 70 odd post she posted about her problems with me and learned a lot more than what she was telling me.

There is a lot more to the story but that's the basics

Now, I have managed to get myself since I broke down around six weeks ago a full time job, I lost over 18 kilos in weight, i done many jobs around the house that were left undone for months because I could not bring myself to do anything, I have gone out the house on outings for the first time in years, I have quit the business altogether.. I no longer sit in the front of the box all night doing my head in with negative thoughts, or sit at the computer all day long trying to scratch out a living.

However all these years of working alone I really haven had much of a social life so I find myself with really no friends in the town I live in a quite lonely, all my closest friends are in London, so I have been out to see them a couple of times and I'm rekindling old friendships..
and still I feel so lonely and sad... sometimes its so overwhelming its scary.

tomorrow morning or today Monday, I will get an assessment by H.I.M. it has taken this long to get help, six weeks that have been the worse in my life, I'm also seeking help for my other health related problems which I have ignored for the last two years as I was not in the mood for anything at all. trying t get my life back on track and trying to recapture the essence of the man I once was and not who I became that made everything go so wrong..

Hello Luy2 and welcome to the forum.

You certainly have been going through a rough time and at least you are starting to sort it out and get back on track. Its never easy, but you are doing the right thing

Hello luy2

It's great to hear that you're managing to turn things around!

Believe me, not everyone has the same level of strength.

How did the assessment go?