I hate so much about the person that I choose to be. I am not a "bad" person, nor do I do "bad" things. I just fail at doing the productive things that promote health, growth and happiness.

So often I feel that I have perfected the act of mediocracy. I am a dad and a husband. I provide for my family's wants and needs. I try to go above and beyond for them, but in doing so, I've seen my kids become selfish and irresponsible. My wife tries to bless me, but holds my lack of enthusiasm towards her efforts against me.

I enjoy getting away from "family and friends" but then I feel guilty that I'm actually enjoying life and that ruins it all for me. I've tried totally denying myself and focusing on the health, both emotional and physical, of my family and friends, but when I do that, my efforts are waisted as it is never good enough, nor is it appreciated.

I thought a "relationship with Christ" might help, so I pursued church, got plugged in and decided to go to bible college. Through this process I got warm and fuzzy feelings quite often, but after those feelings went away, I came to the realization that I was just as lost as when I'd started. I realized that I was taking part in the largest narcissistic play ever put on. I was offered a job as a pastor and after 10 years, realized I was just a glorified used car salesman, slinging faith on a weekly basis.

I was diagnosed a manic depressive and chronic depression. I don't believe that is accurate though, as I don't feel happy, or sad. I don't feel angry or spiteful. I just am. I am a mediocre, apathetic man just living today. My wife is a perfectionist who worries about tomorrow, which I feel may hinder my ability to look forward and causes me to just burry my head and wait.

I've considered suicide, and even attempted it when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I failed there. I think I failed because I wasn't wholeheartedly sold on it. I wasn't chasing death because of depression, rather a way to remove myself from a circular path of mediocracy.

There are people fighting for life right now, and I don't really understand why. I am at the point where I would not attemp suicide again, but if I were dying I would not try to prevent it. I don't believe in fate, but I'm struggling with processing a life without it. I believe that free will is a farce and yet cannot rationalize this life without it.

I am not sharing this to induce any responses, rather I'm using this forum for that which it was created. Ranting and fear.

I hope for peace for you and I.
-Cap'n