Hi! I’m not sure if it is okay to post everything (warning – this is really going to be a long post but it’s better to get it over with in one go) under the acrophobia thread as there are sort of two phobias that I’m trying cope with but the more I think about it, a fear of falling probably sums me up.

I don’t know where to begin so I guess I’ll begin at the beginning – well, at least as far back as I can remember. I was pretty much a happy carefree child. I had my shy moments but that pretty much ended when I started high school, became close friends with a nice group of girls and basically just got on with my social life, school, and just enjoying myself.

I was born in America and moved to the UK when I was 28 years old. My childhood was happy probably until I started kindergarten when I was four. I loved school and all of that but I remember hating some of the exercises and more physical activities the teacher wanted us to do – like zooming up and down stairs. I was just uncoordinated and could never do it quickly. I preferred to hold onto the railing and take my time. I excelled in reading and writing and my mom thinks the teacher resented me for that and used my “stairs issue” as a big problem.

My parents ended up moving me to another school as the teacher had mentioned holding me back a year because I was uncoordinated. I was happy to start the new school but in some ways it was worse as it had a room with ladders, ropes, stairs, etc. to serve as a physical play area. I hated it but just went along with the other part of my school learning. I think the teacher made comments to my parents about me being slow on the stairs, because I remember evenings in the basement with my parents as they would try to teach me to walk on a wooden plank held up a tiny bit off the ground by two cement blocks. Or, I’d practice walking down the basement stairs.

Eventually, the whole stairs issue stopped when I went to another school to start first grade. I enjoyed school and making new friends. I felt happy and I guess just like any “typical” kid growing up in the 1970s. I enjoyed roller skating, ice skating and riding my bike – most days during summer I’d be out with my friends riding our bikes and each day we’d go further away from home. It was fun exploring.

However, I had my shy moments basically whenever we’d go to a family funeral and I’d see relatives that are only ever seen at funerals and weddings and people would always say how shy I was. I hated that, (so much to the point that when anyone now says that my daughter is shy I make it a point when she’s not around to say we don’t say “shy” around her. I’ve very adamant about that because I think that just makes things worse.) but just would smile gently and soon those situations would be a distant memory.

Throughout high school, I continued to grow and thrive from my classes and continued to just enjoy life. I was still uncomfortable using the stairs but fortunately there weren’t that many at the school and the ones I did have to use had nice big railings and they weren’t very steep. They weren’t an issue for me just something I used carefully without thinking.

While at university, the stairs became a bit more of a threat for me. They were steep and while I was okay going up them, it was a nightmare for me coming down – especially when carrying lots of books.

Most of the time I used the elevator, but when it was out of service I had no choice but to take the stairs. I remember one time coming down three flights and really freaking out over them. I had the sensation of just swaying forward a bit and I had to stop at the top of the next flight and have a break before continuing down them. Still, life continued on and when out and about I just stayed away from steps because it made things easier. If I had to use steps I would, but carefully.

The thing that always baffelled me was that while I avoided stairs, I loved heights – never had a problem with roller coasters, flying, being in tall buildings- but things like stairs bothered me as did hiking on steep paths, climbing ladders, standing on chairs, etc. So I’m convinced I just have a strange balance problem and that stairs are just worse for me because they are something that are used more often.

After university, I carried on and never thought about stairs but if I had to use them I wasn’t the happiest at that particular moment. I was more of an escalator and elevator girl and that was just normal for me.

When I moved to the UK, I was surprised at the number of stairs here….in office buildings, at train stations, etc. and I didn’t like it. I didn’t fret about it but sometimes just felt uncomfortable on the stairs – especially as they all seem smaller in size than the stairs back in the US! Here, I’m always scuffing the backs of my shoes!

I’ve had moments when I’d be going down the stairs at the train station and somebody would be running up the stairs towards me and that would more or less make me move away from the railing so they could pass by the railing. I would become really clumsy and just freeze, scared to death. Instead of just walking down the stairs, I had to wait until I could hold onto the railing again and then continue downwards.

Nevertheless, once again, I just got on with things and I managed to continue my career here in the UK with ease, working in fundraising and communications – so I was feeling pretty confident and sure of myself. I was often in pretty stressful situations at work as I planned events and had to manage and work with a lot of people, but my shy days were gone and I loved work with a passion.

It was soon after the birth of my daughter when I started to feel my confidence slip away in certain situations. My mom stayed with us for a month after the birth and the weekend she was to fly home I had a horrible migraine that kept me in bed for most of the day and it was difficult to keep up with the feeding demands of a little baby.

Luckily, mom helped out and the day went okay but I pretty much panicked and thought about coping on my own and how I would manage with the baby if I had a migraine when I was alone with her.

My husband travelled a lot for work and sometimes it was to other parts of Europe. The more he travelled, the more nervous I became and it was horrible. When I was little I’d get nervous about tests at school and little things like that and I could always tell my dad – he’d tell me it was just butterflies in my tummy and that I should just take a deep breath and relax. If I told mom I was nervous, she’d basically get really upset with me so I just never told her after that.

The nervousness I was feeling when my husband was about to go away was about 100 times worse than a grade school test. If he was going away in a week’s time, I’d be nervous about it all week and the night before I’d feel really shakey, could barely eat – it felt horrible.

After about three months of this, I went to the doctor who immediately gave me some antidepressants (probably thinking post-natal depression) and I took maybe two or three days worth of them and it made me feel worse. I remember feeling like I wanted to run so fast and escape myself but I was too tired to do so and one evening I was just pacing around unable to relax. I stopped taking the pills then and there and turned to chamomile tea which helped to relax a bit more.

Fortunately, my husband was getting tired of his work and switched jobs which meant no travel which was like a major blessing for me and the nervousness stopped and I was happy to be at home with the baby. I decided to take a year’s maternity leave and didn’t want to go back to work when it was time to. I loved being a mum.

When I did go back to work, I found it a bit scary doing the commute again, basically because of the stairs at the train station. I found them difficult and for the first time I actually got a bit scared about going on and off the train.

The train I took to work seemed to have changed platforms in the year I was off of work and it now stopped at the station where there was a large gap between the train and the platform. One morning, when getting off the train, the gap seemed really scary and when I got off my back foot slipped and I just managed to stay on my feet and not fall down the gap.

Fortunately, there were lots of changes at work while I was away and in that year my role was to become reduced to part time. I had a choice to continue part time or take a wonderful redundancy payment so, of course, I took the latter and was thrilled to be back home with my daughter and into a full-time mother role again.

Since then, however, for the nearly the last four years, I’ve been more and more hesitant about using the train because of the steep stairs to the platform and because of the gaps on the platform. I will use the train if it stops at the platform where there is no gap going into town. Coming home isn’t a problem because there is also no gap. This isn’t a major issue now for me as much as I’m not working but as my daughter starts school in September, I will be looking for a job and since there isn’t much locally work-wise it means travelling into the city for work. If this is the case I can see it becoming more of an issue – and really a silent one, because how can I tell my husband I’m not taking a job because it means using steps and a train!?!

Fortunately, with having a toddler around most of our days were spent around the house or going out for walks or to the local shops. Using the train was out of question as there was no way I could carry a baby and a pram up or down very steep stairs.

So once again, I got on with things and pretty much forgot about the stairs – though I did think I was doing great when I was able to carry the baby downstairs at home without any fears or problems. Amazing!

My stairs phobia peaked again about a year ago, though when we had tickets to a concert. We had ground floor seats which meant having to walk down all of the stairs from the top of the first tier to the floor. I knew I’d have to do this but I still booked the tickets thinking it was no big deal, I’ll hold onto my husband and I’ll do fine. Still, I did worry about this slightly for about six months prior to the concert. I’d think about the show and shudder about getting to our seats and then forget about it.

Three months before the show we went to another concert at the venue and we were sat in the second last row of the first tier. This mean only walking down about four steps to our row which I did by clinging onto my husband. Soon, though, I started to watch people walk down the stairs all the way to the floor and I just panicked thinking how will I ever manage when we are back for the next show. I watched women run down the stairs with there high heeled boots, carrying drinks, etc. and thought how do they do that? The stairs were steep, with no railing, and in the dark with flashing lights - it was my ultimate nightmare.

By the time the dreaded concert came around I was really nervous and was hoping it would be cancelled. However, I emailed the venue and was told I could use the lift and sure enough, that’s what we did on the night. I was so happy and soon forgot the six months of worrying and had the best night ever.

Since then, the stairs haven’t bothered me that much because I really don’t go anywhere where there are any. I haven’t avoided places because there are stairs or anything like that and where there have been stairs I’ve actually bounded up and down them a few times – holding onto the railing of course! In some ways I almost feel like the stair phobia is going away – well, as long as there is a railing or my husband’s arm nearby.

However, it seems a new fear has taken over the stair phobia and it is a bit more unusual and I find it harder to tell anyone about it because I feel horribly silly about it! It is probably tied into the big picture of things, that being an overall fear of falling and in this case it is….frost and ice.

For the first three years of staying home with my daughter I found everything to be pretty phobia free and I’ve just enjoyed my time with her. I’ve formed new stay at home mum friends – as I lost touch with my work friends when I left work – and have been happy with everything. My husband I are happier than ever together and we’ve talked about another baby (sooner than later, before we get too old!)

One day, a year ago, I dropped my daughter off to her play group and decided to go to the library which was a short walk away, along a footpath, over a slight bridge and around the corner. It had been a cold evening the evening before and there were some frost patches but I just avoided them until I was walking down the ramp from the bridge. It was majorly covered in frost and I nearly wiped out. That totally freaked me out and since then frost and ice have become my nightmare.

Fortunately, spring came a few weeks after the near wipeout incident but after that there were a few cold mornings and I soon became very nervous about getting my daughter to her play group in the morning. I managed, but walked very carefully and there were a few more close calls.

Once spring was here, though, my frost/ice fear vanished and I continued on with things again and life was all normal until we had to decide on a primary school for my daughter - who will start in Sept. 2008 - and when the cold weather returned again right before this past Christmas.

I secretly became worried about which school to send her to as I thought about how I would actually get her there in the winter. The school we ended up putting her down for and will probably get is about a five minute walk. Where she goes to playgroup is about six houses away and that is bad enough for me over winter. Still, I tried to forget about all that and just concentrate on this winter.

Things were going well until a few weeks before Christmas when it started to get cold and frosty. The frosty mornings I managed to get her to playgroup in her push chair just fine but I would get really nervous about it the night before. I began to take to checking the weather online and basically if the weather report showed warmer days and evenings I’d be perfectly fine, but if it showed a drop in temperature with the potential for frost, the panic and nervousness would return - even if it was Wednesday and it wasn’t due to get cold until the Sunday night. The nervousness was just like it used to be when my husband would be going away for work several years ago.

Since Christmas, things have been really good and really bad for me. The weeks that the weather has been good, I’ve been fine – out and about and carrying on as normal. The days it is supposed to be frosty, I wait with a nervous edge and it is very uncomfortable.

The thing is that I do have a tendency to slip on frost and ice. It seems like no matter what shoes I wear with whatever soles, I can’t get a grip. My legs get all shaky and weak in the knees. I guess my fear of the frost and ice is mainly because I’m afraid of falling, yet it seems that even if I wasn’t afraid of falling I would still fall because I am so clumsy!

I can now just about manage in the mornings with the pushchair as a major aid – it’s something to hold on to. However, I dread school next winter because my daughter will be too old to go in a push chair and I don’t know how I’ll ever manage getting her there. The thought of having to feel like this for the next seven winters is horrible.

Strangely enough, I grew up in the northern part of the States where there was always tons of snow and ice but I always managed. Perhaps it is because deep snow is crunchy and you sink into it where as frost and ice just has no grip. Also people in the States tend to salt everything so the sidewalks are always melted and fairly safe to walk on.

Tonight it is supposed to get really cold, down to nearly -10C and I am really dreading going to the playgroup tomorrow. This whole weekend I’ve been feeling rather shaky, tense and just dreading tomorrow.

I’ve mentioned this to both my husband and my mom and they both think I’m totally loopy – and maybe I am. My mom keeps asking me if I’m neurotic but I guess it really is just a strange phobia – and unfortunately it is a phobia that has to be faced more often than others. My husband doesn’t understand either. He says it is just a short distance to walk but that doesn’t matter to me – it is like, if it is slippery in one spot it can be slippery anywhere. He's just the opposite of me and can climb any ladder, stand on any edge and run on ice without any problems. Besides the stairs, frost/ice phobia, I feel content in all aspects of my life and wouldn’t change a thing.

I don’t know what else to say right now, as I’ve rambled on for ages, but if you are still with me, thanks for reading and for listening. I look forward to hearing from you!

K.

Hi Kalc,

Just to let you know - I got thru it!

..but now I have to run and get ready for work....

Very interesting read and I see plenty of hope!

Ian

Hi again Kalc,

Can I ask couple of things? (Which I always say first - then carry on asking anyhow without an answer - !)

Do you have any particular physical condition you know of that might effect your balance? This would include any hearing deficits or chronic ear infections?

If you did slip on the ice - what's going to happen?

In reality, how many times have you actually fallen over?

I note that, despite your fears, you are still able to get out and about which is good to see - so how badly (or how many times) do you think this fear prevents you doing things?

Ian

Hi - Thanks for your reply. Sorry it has taken me some time to get back to you - I've been having a few good weeks thanks to the fact that the weather has been dry and pretty mild. I'm trying not to think about this and just get on with things and I have done well but I've heard that some snow and sleet has been predicted for tonight and tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit nervous again.

I've never been diagonosed with any type of balance problems - I guess I've always just been clumbsy. When going down stairs it sometimes feels like I desperately need to get off the stairs and I get the sensation that I'm going forward even if my feel are perfectly planted on the ground. I can often manage small blocks of stairs without a railing but I have to go slowly and basically take a step down, stop and then take another step with the same foot. I find it hard to just walk natually down right foot, left foot, right foot, etc. However, I can do this with the stairs at home. Sometimes I think it is vertigo - I find this if we've been somewhere to a concert and I have to walk up the steep stairs to exit that even holding my husband's hand, I get the feeling of tilting backwards. I have to kind of stop and rebalance in order to continue on.

For the past year or so I've had some tinnitus in my right ear that comes and goes at different levels of loudness but I don't think that affects my balance, especially as I've had bad balance since I can remember. Mind you, I was able to rollerskate and ice skate when I was between the ages of 5 - 10 and although I wasn't anything spectacular I rarely ever fell and it never really scared me.

I guess my big fear of the ice is simply falling. I can't get a footing on it no matter what shoes I wear - my feet just slip and slide and I find falling very scary. I'm afraid of getting hurt, possibly breaking an arm or leg. I''m afraid of falling and not being able to hold onto my daughter. I worry she'll run into the street. Also, as we are trying to get pregnant again, I worry about falling and having a miscarriage.

Since I've been taking my daughter to playgroup over the last two years I haven't actually fallen but I've had many close calls where I'll be walking and suddenly my foot slides away and I suddenly have to work to keep myself from falling. I hate that initial suprise more than anything. Fortunately, I am able to take her in her pushchair and when I feel like I'm slipping I have that to hold onto. But I am very scared about how i will manage next year when she starts regular school and I can't take her in a pushchair. Walking with nothing to hold onto will be very scary for me.


I guess I still do carry on and take my daughter to playgroup but only because I feel really guilty if we don't go just because of my phobia. It makes me feel like a bad mum so I go ahead and go but that's where the bad nervousness sets in a few days before it is supposed to be slippery out. If she didn't have to go to playgroup then I'd simply stay home if it was icy out and go out when it is clear out. Fortunately, in some ways, there has been minimal frost and ice this year as I have managed to get out and about. It does worry me though that if I was to go back to work when she starts school, how I would manage with work when it is bad outside. It will be bad enough having to take her to school but then to go out again to walk to work or the train will be bad as well.

Well I've rambled on again for awhile so will go for now. Hope I answered some of your questions okay!

K.

Hi K,

Glad to hear you've been getting some good days in - so don't apologise for being too busy to answer for that reason!
I would set out two things tho:
1. When the fears are not there and you can have some more relaxed time - this is a better time to look at dealing with them as there is less situational anxiety about it. Leaving things until they are a problem means you are having to deal with the anxiety as well as the balance issue.
2. The forum is here for your benefit; not the other way around! Ramble all you want/need/feel like - don't think you have to 'conform' to some social order or apologise for being you.

I'd like to make some suggestions for you that you may find useful.

1. Return to your GP and let them know in more detail about your falling issue. At this stage, tell him/her that you would like their opinion and help to rule out any pathological reason for your unsteadiness. The tinnitus may be relevant, it may not. If there is any chance of a physical condition effecting your balance it may help to increase your ability and confidence.
2. Ask the GP to give you an assessment referral to community mental health. Tell them you'd like more understanding of the problem so you can address the issue.
3. At this stage I would suggest not taking medication of any sort because they tend to all have a sedating effect which would further impede your balance issues. If you are on any particular medication then obviously continue taking them and discuss with your prescribing practitioner if this raises any concerns.
4. Your functionality (ie getting out and doing the things you need to do) is not too impaired and I admire your 'get up and do it cos it has to be done' attitude. However, I recognise your anxious feelings about these events and, with sensible planning to the approach you undertake, I believe you can address this part of your problem.
5. None of the concerns you raise about falling are irrational, stupid or weird. This doesn't mean they are going to happen, and the anxiety you suffer is probably because you place too high a probability on it happening than is perhaps realistic. There are several methods and options for reducing this, such as relaxation techniques, distraction, rational emotive therapy/cognitive restructuring. What do you do to cope with the anxiety at the moment?

Ian

I've struggled with some of the things you describe - especially down escalators and steep stairs, and I'm not that great with balance in general, nor heights, nor things like walking on ice. I have an eye condition called amblyopia which basically means that due to imbalanced eyes when a young kid the brain "chooses" to ignore the info from one eye, so you become "functionally blind" in one eye (the other one will work if the good eye is shut - weird I know :roll: ) Anyway this kind of makes 3D spatial awareness not as good as it is for other people. Not suggesting this is what you have but just an e.g. of linking a phobia (mine isn't too bad, thanksfully, but is there) with a physical cause.