^ At the moment I'm doing voluntary work for one morning a week. What am I actually doing? Checking the prices of books before they get put on sale in the shop (to see whether there's any valuable ones).

I've got a nice view of the world from the room I do it in. Surreally however, I also have a wonderful view of my former workplace (my local jobcentre), from this room!

In terms of my SA, the worst part is definitely the arriving at the place and the initial setting up of my work. After that, I'm more or less left to it.

^I know what you mean. I've been working at the shelter for more than one year now, and arriving in the morning still always makes me uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

Sounds as if the job in itself is quite SA-friendly though. Do you have any form of contact with the costumers? If not, lucky you!

(03-17-2012 08:00 PM)Harold-L Wrote:  Do you have any form of contact with the costumers?

I was quite specific in telling them that I wouldn't want a role where I was dealing with the customers, so no (thankfully!).

Moving on, I was at the jobcentre this week, so that they could place me on one of their schemes. In the run-up to the appointment, boy was my fear and anxiety bad.

The night before the appointment, I was watching the film 'Alien', and this got me thinking about how my levels of fear and anxiety compare to the levels experienced by the characters in the film (particularly when they come to meet their deaths by the alien).

You know what? My levels may not be as bad as that, but they certainly weren't a million miles away from being that bad!

And that's one of the key problems when it comes to telling people about SA (and about other anxieties/ phobias)! - they just have no clue of the intensity of fear and anxiety that sufferers go through.

For some reason last night, the prospect of turning 33 in a couple of months suddenly scared me. To me, it sounds so old. What I would give to go back a good few years and do things differently - I feel as if I've been robbed of so many years of my life.

Moving on, I was finally put onto this jobcentre scheme. Basically, I've been passed into the hands of a private company, so that they can help me find work.

I think I'm going to find being on this scheme very uncomfortable - I have visions of being put into any old job, so that the company in question can claim their bonus from the government for getting me into work.

Visiting the company for an initial appointment last week, my advisor basically implied that because he didn't yet know me, that he would assume that I wasn't trustworthy.

There's nothing like that to instantly build up a good rapport!!

Found myself accompanying my elderly mother down to the police station last week - her paranoia has landed her in trouble.

Seemingly not content with this, she also this week decided to fall out with our next door neighbour, again over paranoia issues.

All this has been toxic for my SA. Fate seems determined not to allow me to lead a SA free life, certainly not in the place where I'm living now where I've lived all my life.

Sorry to hear that Globe. That certainly isn't something that's easy to deal with for anyone, and especially not if you've got SA. Does your mum have a lot of paranoid "episodes" like that? Does she tend to get herself into trouble a lot because of her issues?

^ Up until the incident with the police, the only trouble she got herself into was falling out with numerous neighbours.

In terms of her 'episodes', she does have a lot of them, and unfortunately it has led to some unpleasant arguments between the both of us.

With nothing much going on in her life, she spends so much time looking at people out of the window, and it's so frustrating because I can see her fueling her own anxieties.

With me being unemployed and spending so much time in the house, I can't help but feel that in some way, I kind of act as an enabler for her behaviour e.g. by being readily available to do all the shoping (so she doesn't have to leave the house).

How has your mother been doing the last few weeks Globe? Has she been feeling very paranoid? Any more visits to the police station?

^ There was just the two visits to the police station.

Honestly, you would expect a 72 year old to be accompanying their 33 year old son to the police station. Not the other way round!

In terms of her falling out with neighbours, she really does put me on the spot, as they come to me asking why she has started ignoring them/ what they've done to offend her.

I've tried telling my mum how uncomfortable/ awkward she makes my life with her constant fallings out (she seems to forget that being long-term unemployed isn't exactly fun!!!). The reply I got was that I could always move out.

All I need now then is some money...

Ouch
Would you actually consider moving out if you had the money to do so? Is that something you've thought about?

(06-29-2012 03:10 PM)Harold-L Wrote:  Would you actually consider moving out if you had the money to do so?

Depends

Would definitely go on a few holidays though!

At the moment I'm just so badly burnt out with my anxiety issues, my elderly parent, and my job searching.

Best of luck!
Especially with the job searching part, I know it can be really frustrating.

(07-16-2012 05:44 AM)nour Wrote:  Best of luck!
Especially with the job searching part, I know it can be really frustrating.

Thanks nour!

---

Greatly surprised myself this week by actually attending the Olympic event that I had a ticket for.

As someone who doesn't like crowds one bit, the thought of attending a stadium filled with 70,000 filled me with serious levels of dread.

Up until the very last minute, I wasn't sure whether I was going to go, but I did in the end, and actually got a lot out of it - boy did it feel great to successfully do something which you thought you couldn't do in a million years!!

A couple of photos:
   
   

For someone who doesn't like crowds that's quite a feat indeed! Way to go Globe! How did you feel while you were there? Did you get anxious? Or were you too excited about the game to think about your SA?

^ When I actually took my seat, it was like 'I made it! I actually made it!'.

Was fearing the hour long break between the two matches at the stadium and the half time intervals, but those ended up passing pretty quickly (the crowds certainly helped in that aspect - trying to get from one place to another took an absolute age, with there also being extremely long queues to get any refreshments).

In getting to the stadium what greatly helped was reminding myself that at any time I could always turn back, and viewing the whole thing as an 'experiment'. Two things which I would do well to remember for the future.